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What can be normal is for someone to focus on other people’s needs. But, if this is just what is normal, they might not realise how focused they generally are on other people’s needs.
Consequently, they will often overlook their own needs, which will cause them to neglect themselves. Yet, although they won’t be aware of what is going on, behaving in this way will have a negative impact on them. A Depriving Existence Of course, if they were merely an extension of others and only had a few basic needs, it would be different. So, they can spend a lot of time feeling down and drained. If they do, this will show that they need to spend less time doing things for others and more time being there for themselves. However, as they are not aware of what is going on, they can believe that they just suffer from depression. One Conclusion If this is the case, they can end up seeing their doctor and being put on medication. Going down this route might allow them to function better but that is likely to be about as far as it will go. They will have dealt with the symptoms that have arisen as a result of them depriving themselves but that will be it. Therefore, sooner or later, they might arrive at the stage where they are unable to continue. The Catalyst After turning their back on themselves for so long, they might no longer have the energy to do so much for others. Thanks to this, they can end up looking into why they behave in this way. They can see that not only are they overly focused on others but they don’t have a good connection with their own needs and feelings. Due to this, even if they don’t focus on others, they won’t have a clear sense of what is right for them or how they feel. Confusion If they were to look back on their life, they might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What might enter their mind at this point is that they were simply born this way. Then again, they might think about their early years and how this was a time when they had to be there for others. Alternatively, they might not remember a great deal about what took place during this stage of their life. Back In Time If this is what they can remember, and even if they can’t remember much about what took place during this stage of their life, they might have been brought up by one or two parents who were caught up with their own needs. This would have meant that they were not emotionally available. Additionally, one or both of their parents might have typically seen them as an extension of themselves. It then wouldn’t have been possible for them to accept that their child was a separate human being who had their own needs and feelings. The outcome Therefore, they wouldn’t have been able to bond with one or both of their parents and they would have been used. If they didn’t do what one or both of their parents wanted, they might have been criticised, rejected and/or abandoned. To handle the lack of attunement and care, they would have had to lose touch with a number of their needs and feelings. This would have also involved them losing touch with their connected, true self, and creating a disconnected, false self. The message They would have been sent the message that their needs and feelings were bad and that they had to focus on and meet their parent or parent’s needs. As they were powerless and dependent, they had no other choice. They would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, with them missing out on the love that they needed to develop a strong sense of self. And, although how they were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability, as they were egocentric, they wouldn’t have realised this. Anchored To The past Many years will have passed since this stage of their life but due to the impact it had on them, they won’t realise that it is over. A big part of them will still believe that, if they pay attention to their own needs and have boundaries, they will end up being rejected and left and will die. Their early years are likely to have been a time when they had the experience of dying without dying, so what they fear will have already happened. Still, that is not to say that they can’t unconsciously create a reality that is very similar. A New Reality For them to be connected to their own needs and feelings, meet their needs and say no to others, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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