Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Associate Self-Assertion With Death?

Although someone is an individual who has their own thoughts, feelings, needs and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that they will typically act like one. Instead, they can have the inclination to act as though they are an extension of others.

As a result, when they are around others, they can keep their thoughts to themselves and hide how they feel and their needs. It will then be normal for them to agree with what others say and to do what they want.

It’s Automatic

This is likely to be something that takes place without them having to consciously think about it. However, while this can allow them to receive approval and to be accepted, it won’t allow them to freely express themselves.

Who they are is then rarely going to see the light of day, and this is going to stop them from living a fulfilling life. Now, if they are aware of what is going on, they can wonder why they are this way.

An Exercise

For them to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on, they can imagine that they live a life where they do freely express themselves and don’t blend with others. This will be a time when they share their thoughts, opinions, and feelings, and make it clear when they do or don’t want to do something.

At first, they can find that they feel powerful, alive and free, and relieved and grateful. It can be as though they were in a prison, but now they have been released and can finally be themselves.

The next Stage

Nonetheless, after a while, they can find that they start to feel anxious and fearful and have the need to go back to how they were before. Once they have imagined this, they can find that they are able to settle down again.

After this, they can wonder why they only feel safe when they are erasing themselves and are doing what other people want. What might enter their mind is that what is going on for them is irrational, as there is no reason for them to be this way.

A Closer Look

Yet, as irrational as this may seem, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense. This is because this may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing.

Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. As a result, practically from the moment that they were born, they might have often been abandoned.

A Continuation

As the years passed, they might have continued to often be rejected and abandoned. This would have caused them to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Their underdeveloped brain would have come to associate self-expression and self-assertion with something that would cause their life to end. The reason for this is that when they were left throughout this time, it would have been as though they were going to die.

Totally Helpless

As they were powerless and dependent, they couldn’t change what was going on or find another family. Therefore, when they were left, their brain would have repressed their need to be cared for and the terror, despair, and sadness that arose as a result of this not taking place.

This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

The Meaning

In all likelihood, their mother or father couldn’t provide them with what they needed. Even so, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what happened and believed that they were worthless and unlovable, and that their needs and feelings were bad.

This is why their system came to associate hiding themselves and acting like an extension of others as the only way for them to survive. They would have also lived in the hope that, if they became who their parents wanted and behaved how they wanted, they would be loved.

The past is present

But as futile as this hope and the struggle that ensued was, it would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for them to keep it together and function, as it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but their system won’t realise this.
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Not hiding themselves will still be seen as something that will cause them to be left and for their life to end. There will also be the pain and the unmet developmental needs that they are carrying, and this material will stop them from being able to be rooted in their body.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for them to gradually change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

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Oliver JR Cooper
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