Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Be Attracted To Emotionally Unavailable People?

Over the years, someone may have been with a number of people who were out of reach, emotionally. As a result, they would have been able to connect to them mentally and physically, but that would have been about it.

When they think about what it was like when they were last in a relationship, what could enter their mind is that it was as if, in general, the other person was physically there, but emotionally somewhere else. They may have even had moments when they wondered if the other person had an emotional self, due to how distant they were.

An Emotional Desert

Thus, when they were with them, they would have typically felt unseen and unheard. So, instead of it being a relationship that had a positive impact on them overall, it would have largely had a negative impact on them.

Once their time together came to an end, either by them or the other person ending it, it may have taken them a little while for them to find their feet again. They might have felt frustrated, angry, confused and sad.

The Same Old Story

What is likely to have made this experience harder for them to handle is that this won’t have been the first time that they had been in this position. They might then have thought about what they had been through last time and the time before that.

Now, if this has been what most, if not all, of their relationships have been like, it is to be expected that they would be well and truly fed up. Ultimately, they will not only want to experience a deeper connection with a man or a woman, but they will want it to last.

It Doesn’t Make Sense

As this hasn’t taken place, they might believe that they are just unlucky, or that men or women are just emotionally out of reach. What can play a part in this is what they have done to change their appearance and what their friends have said.

For example, they might have spent a lot of time exercising, and their friends might have often told them that they look good and are a catch, or words to that effect. But, no matter what they have done or what their friends believe, this area of their life won’t have really changed.

A Natural outcome

If they were to think about how they feel about this area of their life, they could find that they feel helpless and hopeless. And, if they could forget about this area of their life and purely focus on other areas, they might be happy to do so.

But as their need to experience intimacy can be ignored, but not removed, they will only be able to forget about this need for a short period of time, before it enters their conscious awareness once more.  With this in mind, it will be vital for them to find a way forward.

Stepping Back

Yet, as it will seem as though they have no control over this area of their life, they are unlikely to believe that there is a way forward. Then again, if they do believe that there is a way forward, their luck will need to change, or men or women will need to change.

However, what if the reason they continually end up with people who are not emotionally available is that a big part of their emotional self has gone into hiding? After hearing this, they could be confused and say that they are ready to have a relationship.

A Closer Look

Yet, while this is what they can say, and they can see themselves as being emotionally available, there is a chance that they don’t have access to a large part of their emotional self. If this is the case, the distance that they experience with another will mirror the distance that they have with part of themselves.

When it comes to why they wouldn’t have access to a big part of their emotional self, it can be a consequence of what took place during their formative years and the impact it had on them. From a very young age, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

One option

If so, not receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle the pain that they experienced by not having certain needs consistently met, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self. But, as the years passed, their conscious mind would have forgotten about what happened and experiencing life in this way would have been normal.

Moving Forward

There would then have been no reason for them to see that what is going on externally was showing them that parts of their own consciousness have been split off and they are not fully connected to all of themselves. For this to change, they will need to gradually reconnect to, face and integrate the parts of themselves that had to go into hiding very early on in order for them to survive.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk