Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Be Hyper-Independent?

If someone where to step back and reflect on their life, what might soon stand out is that they try to do just about everything by themselves. They could see that this is how they have been for as long as they can remember.

But, while living in this way will make their life harder than it needs to be, it doesn’t mean that they will have a strong need to change their behaviour. A big part of them is likely to feel comfortable living it this way; while another, smaller part of them is unlikely to feel comfortable with what is going on.

Inner Conflict

If this is the case, part of them will want to reach out to others more and rely on them, while another part of them won’t want to. And, as the part of them that wants to do everything by themselves is the strongest, this part of them will continue to have the biggest influence.

Due to how they typically behave, they might have spent a lot of time feeling drained and even exhausted over the years. But, even if they have, they might not have told anyone about this.

An Act

This could mean that they don’t have any close friends and haven’t even been in a romantic relationship, but it might not be this black and white. Instead, when they are around the people in their life and are in a romantic relationship, they could have the inclination to hide how they feel and a number of their needs.

As a result, the people in their life won’t be aware of what is really going on for them and will be caught up in the image that they present. This can relate to them being needless, strong and highly capable.

Seeing Beyond the Illusion

But, if some of these people are able to look beyond how they come across, they might see that they are hiding a big part of themselves. This is because these people could realise that they, along with everyone, are an interdependent human being.

Therefore, they will know that as independent as they appear to be, they are going against their own nature. Having this understanding may mean that they have tried to do a lot to help them over the years.

Looking Back

If they have had moments when they have opened up and relied on another person to be there for them, such as when they were in a romantic relationship, this may have been a time when they were taken advantage of. So, they might have been let down continually, betrayed, and even abused.

After this relationship or a number of relationships where this took place, they may have vowed to never let themselves get into this position again. The outcome of this is that they may have been single ever since.

Not Worth it

Assuming that this is the case, it is to be expected that they would rather do things by themselves and perhaps ask friends or family to help them out on the odd occasion. Naturally, they are not going to want to put themselves in a position where they will be hurt.

Based on the experiences that they have had, it won’t be possible for them to truly trust others, or not to fully trust anyone. The trouble is that while this will allow them to protect themselves, it will also deprive them of the support, connection and love that they need.

What’s going on?

It will seem as though they are this way because of what they have experienced throughout their adult life. But, what if what has taken place throughout their adult life is a continuation of what took place during their formative years?

If it is, they won’t have just happened to have experiences where they have been violated; they will have most likely unconsciously chosen to have these experiences. What this comes down to is that a big part of them will still be trying to receive the love that they missed out on as a child - and this part of them has no sense of time and is blind.

Going Deeper

During this stage of their life, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, one or both of them may have been verbally and physically abusive.

This would have been meant that they were unable to securely attach to them and develop a sense of trust. As a result of what took place, they would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

The Outcome

Most likely how they were treated was a reflection of how wounded one or both of their parents were. Yet, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that both their needs and themselves were bad and that others couldn’t be trusted.

To handle what happened, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs, which would have caused them to lose touch with their true, connected self and develop a disconnected, false self. This false self would have involved then becoming someone who was not inherently interdependent and needed others, but who was inherently independent and didn’t need others.

A New Reality

For them to reconnect to their needs and embrace their interdependence, they are likely to have beliefs to question and pain to face and work through. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk