Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Disconnect From Their Need To Love?

After stepping back and reflecting on their life, someone may find that it is hard for them to express their fondness for another person. So, they can see that this is not only the case when they are dating or are in an intimate relationship, but also when they are around a friend or family member.

As a result of what they are typically like, they might have been with a number of people who questioned whether they were into them. This is because they wouldn’t have freely expressed their fondness for them.

Conflict

If this is the case, they might have made it clear that they do, and wondered if the person they were with was just insecure. This is because, at the time, they might not have realised what they were like.

Having this experience on a number of occasions might have been what led them to reflect on their life. Additionally, how they are around their friends and family might have also played a part.

Resistance

When they are in a relationship, they might see that they find it hard to show affection and verbally express their love for their partner. This might not be the case when it comes to buying them things, though.

And, when they are around friends or family, they could also find it hard to do these things.  Still, they might regularly buy them things and not struggle in this way.

One Conclusion

After thinking about how they behave, what might enter their mind is that there must be something inherently wrong with them. They might even believe that they were simply born this way.

However, if they were to talk to a trusted friend about this, they could tell them that there isn’t anything wrong with them and that they just need to learn how to express their love for others. They might even recommend a book that will help them to do this.

The next Stage

If this were to happen, they could read this book and, over time, they could learn to be more affectionate and to speak up more. It then might not be long until their life is radically different to how it was before.

Then again, although they might not know what they need to do to be more loving, they don’t feel connected to what they are doing. In other words, it can be as if they are just putting on an act.

Another Angle

Regardless of whether they do or don’t go down this route, there is an exercise that they can do to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on. They can imagine that they are in a relationship and are freely showing affection and words of appreciation.

At first, they can feel free, powerful and alive, and soon feel relieved and grateful. But after a while, they can start to feel anxious and have the need to go back to how they were before.

A Closer Look

If they were to stay with this discomfort and didn’t go back to how they were before, they can find that they fear that they will be disapproved of, rejected or abandoned. Expressing human warmth for another human being is then not going to be seen as something that will strengthen their connection with them; it is something that will weaken their connection with them.
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Assuming that this is what they experience, they can wonder why they are this way. Nonetheless, as confusing as this will be, if they were to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

Back In Time

During this stage of their life, their mother and father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If they were, they would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Thus, when they expressed their need to be loved and to love, it would have been normal for them to be ignored, rejected and abandoned. They would then have learnt that it wasn’t safe for them to freely express themselves.

One option

To try to maintain their connection with their parents, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self.

Their connection to their need to be loved and love would have been served to allow them to survive living in an environment where they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. In this environment, being connected to and freely expressing themselves was a risk.

It’s over

Many years will have passed since they lived in this environment, but a big part of them won’t realise that this stage of their life is over. They are also still going to be in a disconnected state.

This will make it difficult for them to be in their body and be connected to their need to receive and express love, let alone to meet both of these needs. For this to change, there will be a number of steps for them to take.

Moving Forward

They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk