Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Fear That They Will Be Abandoned?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they may find is that they often fear that they will be left and end up alone. It could go further than this, though, as they may have the sense that they will die.

This can show that they have a number of close friends and are in a romantic relationship. If what they fear were to take place, then, it would involve them being left by their friends and partner and their life coming to an end.

External Feedback

If they were to talk about what is going on for them with a friend or even a mental health professional, this could be a time when they are told that what is going on for them is irrational. Therefore, there will be no reason for them to experience life in this way.

They could be told that it is unlikely that their friends or partner will leave them and even if they do, they would be able to make new friends and find another partner. Lastly, they could be told that they wouldn’t die.

The Reality
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If they are told this, it could be said that this is the truth. They won’t be able to form deep friendships or find another partner overnight, but, over time, they would be able to.

And, if the people in their life were no longer around, their life wouldn’t simply come to an end. Based on this, it would be accurate to say that what is going on for them is irrational.

One Approach

With this in mind, it will be essential for them to replace their ‘negative’ thoughts with ‘positive’ thoughts and question what they believe. By doing this, they should gradually be able to live in the present moment.

What this will do is allow them to settle down and embrace the life that they have. This will stop them from experiencing as much stress and this will have a positive effect on their wellbeing.

One outcome

If they go down this path and this approach works, they could end up being relieved and grateful. A challenge that they have suffered from for however long will have faded into the background, if not disappeared entirely.

Alternatively, they could try this approach and it might only work for a short while or it might not work at all. If this approach doesn’t allow them to change what is going on for them, they could feel helpless and hopeless.

Stepping Back

The reason that this approach doesn’t work can be due to the fact that what is taking place in their mind is an effect and not the cause of what is troubling them. If this is the case, it will be necessary for them to go deeper.

What can help them to connect to what is taking place for them at a deeper level can be for them to take a closer look at what took place during their formative years. If they were to do this, they might not be able to remember a great deal about what happened.

Another outcome

Then again, they might remember that this was a time when they were often rejected and left by their mother and perhaps their father. Nevertheless, they could believe that this is in the past.

What happened at this stage of their life will be in the past but the impact that it had on them will be held in their brain and body. Consequently, this stage of their life will be over, but a big part of them will still be reacting to how things were, not how things are.

Back In Time

Assuming that this was a stage of their life when they were often rejected and left by one or both of their parents, this would have greatly deprived and deeply wounded them. At this stage of their life, to grow and develop in the right way, they needed a parent or parents who were emotionally available and could generally meet their needs.

But, if they were often rejected and left, they are likely to have had a parent or parents who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Most likely, they had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, which would have prevented them from being able to truly be there for their child.

A Brutal Time

Not being able to form a strong attachment to one or both of their parents and receive the love that they needed would have caused them to feel fearful, terrified, helpless, hopeless and as though they were going to die. To handle what was going on, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs.

Along with this, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable. Believing that they were bad and their parent or parents were good would have also given them the hope - the false hope - which would have served as a defence, that if they struggled, they would be loved.
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The Same Story

Many years will have passed since that stage of their life but a big part of them will still be trying to receive the love that they missed out on. It will be this other, hidden part of them that is doing what it can to create a life that is very similar to how it was all those years ago.   

This part of them has no sense of time and is blind, so it can’t accept that, as they are no longer a child and other people are not their parents, it is too late for them to receive the love that they missed out on. This is then a clear example of ‘self-sabotage’ – part of them won’t want to be left but another part of them will.

Moving Forward

For them to move on from what happened and become an integrated human being, they will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk