Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Cause Someone To Settle For Emotional Breadcrumbs In A Relationship?

At this point in time, someone could be dating or in a relationship with someone, but it might not be very fulfilling. So, they might rarely hear from them or see them, and when they do see them, they might typically be emotionally absent.

Furthermore, when they do spend time together, they might typically only have surface-level conversations and have sex. They are then going to receive very little when they don’t see them, and when they do see them, they won’t receive much more.

A Big Difference

However, if they were to think back to how things were at the beginning, they might see that it was very different. During this time, they might have spoken a lot and spent a lot of time together.

They can then see that this was a time when plans were not only made but that they generally materialised. And when they were together, they had deep conversations, discussed their future plans, and experienced physical intimacy.

Another part

Thanks to this, they may find that they felt seen, heard, valued, alive, connected and even loved. But as time has passed, they can often feel confused, anxious, ignored, invisible, worthless, disconnected, empty and unloved.

At other times, they can be full of hope after plans have been made, and then deeply disappointed after they have been cancelled. This can be an experience they have had dozens of times, if not more.

External Feedback

If they were to speak to a trusted friend about what is going on, this friend could be very understanding and supportive. This friend could say that they are with someone who is not available and that they need to move on, so that they can be with someone who is.

Also, they can say that they deserve to be with someone who can be there for them, not just once every now and then but consistently. After this conversation, they can wonder why they don’t just cut their ties with them and move on.

A Closer Look

They might see that this is the first time that they have been in this position, or they might see that they have been in this position before. If they have been in this position before, they could believe that this is just what men/women are like or that they are just unlucky.

If they believe that this is just what men/women are like, it will mean that this area of their life will never change. Yet if they believe that they are unlucky, they will need to wait until their luck changes.

Another Direction

Nonetheless, although they might believe the former or the latter, there is a chance that the reason their life is this way is primarily due to what took place during their formative years and the impact to had on them. This may have been a stage of their life that was anything but nurturing.

Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If so, they would have missed out on the attunement, care, support, validation, and affection that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

A Brutal Time

Instead, they would have often been ignored, rejected, invalidated, starved of affection and even abandoned. This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

But, even though how they were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. Their underdeveloped brain would then have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable, and that their needs and feelings were bad.

A Struggle

Along with what they came to believe, they would have lost touch with their connected and inner-directed true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. By losing touch with a number of their needs and feelings and focusing on others, it would have made it easier for them to handle living in an emotional desert and would have been a way for them to try to meet their needs.

They would have lived in the hope that, if they did what their mother and perhaps father wanted, they would be loved. But, as futile as this was - their mother and perhaps their father were probably unable to give them what they needed, as they had also been deprived as children - it would have served as a secondary defence.

A Replay

If, on the other hand, they had faced what was going on and how they felt, it would have been too much for them to handle. Therefore, as their brain blocked out their outer and inner reality, and they lived in the hope that they could change them, it would have made it easier for them to keep it together and function.  

This stage of their life will be over, of course, but a big part of them won’t realise this. This part of them will cause them unconsciously to be drawn to people who are unable to be there for them, in the hope of making them available so that they can be loved.

The Struggle continues

This part of them has no sense of time and is blind, so it won’t be able to accept that, as this stage of their life is over and another person is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on. An underdeveloped part of their consciousness is then defining this area of their life.

For them to gradually put the past behind them, so that they are no longer interested in receiving crumbs and feel comfortable with a full meal, there will be a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk