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Right now, someone can be in a relationship that is anything but nurturing. In fact, it could be a relationship where they are regularly treated like they are nothing.
They can often be put down, humiliated, rejected, ignored, and even physically harmed. If so, they can be in a bad way mentally, emotionally and even physically. A Very Different Experience How they are now can be very different to how they were before, with this being a time when they were in a good way. Or, if they were not in a good way, they might have still been in a far better position than they are now. Now, as destructive as this person is, they can find that they are unable to break up with them. The mere thought of doing so can cause them to be overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. External Support If they were to speak to a trusted friend about what is going on, this friend could be understanding and supportive. They could make it clear that they don’t deserve to be treated in this way and that the sooner they leave them, the better off they will be. Moreover, they might say that they can stay with them for a while, that’s if they are living with their abusive partner, and that they are there for them. After this has taken place, they can appreciate their support and reflect on what they have heard. The Next Stage One outcome is that they might end up calling it a day and breaking up with them. If this were to take place, they might find that it is hard for them to cope and that they crave being with their abusive ex. As a result, it might not be long until they get back with them and are treated in the same way as before. However, when they first get back with them, it might start off being better than it was before. Another Scenario Yet, if they do break up with and don’t get back with them, even though they feel the urge to do so, they can wonder why it is so hard for them to be by themselves. They can see that even though they were being abused in their last relationship and perhaps in at least one other, they felt more settled or secure. At this point, they might conclude that there is something inherently wrong with them and that they are ‘messed up’. But, even if they do come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. A Closer Look What this may illustrate is that their early years were a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. This would have meant that they didn’t receive the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Therefore, this would have been a stage of their life when they were put down, humiliated, ignored, rejected and even physically harmed, or were alone. They would then have typically had two experiences: they were either around others and were treated like dirt, or they were by themselves. A Brutal Time And, as they were powerless and dependent, the last thing that they would have wanted was to be alone. Being treated badly would have hurt, but it would have meant that they were connected to their tribe. Being alone, on the other hand, would have meant that they weren’t treated badly, but it would have meant that they were not connected to their tribe. At this stage of their life, the important thing was for them to stay connected, not to be treated well. One Option Due to this, to handle not receiving what they needed, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling, and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Along with this, their underdeveloped brain would have caused them to believe that their needs and feelings were bad, and that they were worthless and unlovable. Another Aspect Furthermore, their brain and body would have come to associate being connected and surviving with being mistreated. Being alone would have also come to be associated with not being connected and dying. Being connected and treated well and being alone and surviving is then not going to be something that their system knows. Lastly, although their mother and perhaps their father couldn’t provide them with the love that they needed, they would have hoped that, if they became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, they would love them. It was futile As helpless as they were, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but thanks to how they adapted, the pain and unmet developmental needs that they are carrying, and their unconscious need to recreate how it was in order to receive what they missed out on, it won’t matter. Moving Forward For them to reconnect to their body and no longer have the need to recreate their wounding and depriving early years, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If you would like to find out about the personalised consultations that I offer, click on this link - https://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/consultations.html
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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