Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Give A Man The Desire To Be A Woman?

Recently, a man may have thought about what it would be like for him to be a woman. Then again, this might have been something that he has been thinking about for many months, or even years.

When he thinks about this, he can think about what he would wear, what he would do, and how other people would treat him. This can then be a time when he feels seen, heard, valuable, alive, and free.

What follows is one possible explanation for these feelings; it won’t apply to everyone.

Another Experience

What this can show is that, in general, he doesn’t feel seen, heard, or that he has any value, and feels lifeless and trapped. If, then, he were a woman, his life would be radically different, with it being as though he actually exists and were actually living.

In other words, in his eyes, it will be far better to be a woman than it will to be a man, as the world will embrace women but not men. As a result of this, it is not going to be a surprise that he is not happy that he is a man.

External Feedback

Now, if he were to talk to a trusted friend about this, they could be very understanding and supportive. They could say that it makes sense that he feels this way and that, nowadays, he can do something about this.

For example, they could say that he can take the steps to change how he looks and that over time, his physical appearance will change. This is, of course, in addition to him changing what he wears, his hair and his name, among other things.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, the person he speaks to could be understanding and supportive, and yet they could want to find out more. So, they could ask him about what this childhood was like and if he can remember how he often felt during this stage of his life.

At first, he may say that this stage of his life wasn’t that bad and that he can’t remember how he felt. However, although this is what he may say, it doesn’t mean that it accurately reflects what this stage of his life was like.

A Closer Look

This may have been a stage of his life when his mother didn’t treat him or his father very well. Alternatively, his father might not have been around, with him being the only male who was around.

His mother might have also treated him like he was her daughter and shown disapproval whenever he expressed his masculinity. Along with this, he may have had one or more sisters who received most, if not all, of the attention and were often praised.

The outcome

He would then have lived in an environment where he and perhaps his father were treated badly simply for being male. And if his father or another male were not around, he wouldn’t have had a male figure to identify with and look up to.

Furthermore, if his mother did express disapproval whenever he expressed masculinity, he would have come to believe that there was something wrong with being male. For example, she might have discouraged rough play, competitiveness, independence, and assertion.

Additionally, she might have praised compliance, softness, and rewarded him for fulfilling an emotional or caretaking role. Lastly, if he had a sister or sisters who received a lot of attention and were often praised, he was likely to have believed that they were better than him.

An Invalidating Experience

Therefore, instead of being born into an environment where he was embraced and loved for who he was, he would have been rejected for simply being born as a male. As he was powerless and dependent, there was very little that he could have done about this.

His only option was to become who his mother wanted and behave how she wanted him to behave. This would have involved him losing touch with his embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

Self-Alienation

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. What this would have done is allowed him to handle not having a number of his developmental needs met and the pain that this caused him.

He would have also lived in the hope that, by becoming who his mother wanted and behaving how she wanted, he would finally be seen and given the love that he needed. But, as his mother was probably unable to love him as he was, as she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, how he adapted wouldn’t have allowed him to receive what he needed.

A Replay

Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that helped him to release tension and to keep it together and function. This stage of his life will now be over, but, deep down, he will still be trying to receive his mother’s love.

A big part of him will believe that, if he were a woman, he would receive her love. Yet, as this stage of his life is over and it will be too late for him to receive this love, even if he were to change his appearance, the attention that he receives would only help to keep his true feelings and needs at bay; this attention wouldn’t change him at a fundamental level.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for him to gradually reconnect to his body, all of his emotional self and be comfortable in his own skin, he will have a number of steps to take. He will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This process will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk