Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Stop Someone From Being Able To Individuate?

Even though someone is a separate individual, who has their own needs, feelings and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that they will act like one. Instead, they can act as though they are an extension of others and are thus, are here to meet their needs.

Due to this, they can then typically meet their basic needs, but that can be about as far as it will go. When they are not working, then, they can spend a lot of time doing things for others.

An Automatic Process

Still, this is not to say that they will consciously choose to behave in this way, as this can just be what happens. And, although living in this way is likely to cause them to spend a lot of time feeling drained and even exhausted, they might not be able to join the dots, so to speak.

Instead, they could believe that they are this way because they suffer from depression or just work too much, for instance. Then again, they might not even be consciously aware of how washed out they often feel.

One Area

If this is the case, as experiencing life in this way, along with focusing on others, is what is normal, it won’t stand out. When it comes to what they do for a living, this could be something that they enjoy doing.

Alternatively, what they do for a living might not be in alignment with their own needs, and they might only be doing it to please others. If so, apart from what they do being a way for them to pay the bills, it won’t do much for them.

The Point of No Return

After a while, they might arrive at the point where they are no longer able to behave in this way. This can be because they no longer have the energy or the desire to behave in a way that is not serving them.

At this stage, they can wonder why they are so focused on pleasing others and are unable to freely express themselves. They can see that in order for them to live a fulfilling life, they need to be able to do this.

An Activity

For them to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on, they can use their imagination. What they can do is imagine that they live a life where they freely express themselves and they are no longer focused on pleasing others.

This is not to say that they won’t care about the people in their life; no what it means is that they won’t have the inclination to put their needs before their own. At first, they can feel relieved, with them experiencing a sense of freedom, aliveness and empowerment.

The Next Part

Nonetheless, after a while, they can feel anxious and fearful, with it being as though something bad is about to happen to them. If they were to go deeper, they could see that they expect to be rejected and left and for their life to come to an end.

Taking this into account, it is not going to be a surprise that they have the need to ignore themselves and to please others. This will be seen as the only way for them to be supported and survive.

A Strange Scenario

What might enter their mind is that there is no reason for them to be this way and that what is going on for them is ‘irrational’. Yet, if they were to explore what it was like for them during their formative years and the impact this stage of their life had on them, they might soon understand why they are this way.

This might have been a stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Practically from the moment that they were born, they might have missed out on the attunement and care that they needed.

The Same Experience

As the years passed, their mother and/or father might have been very caught up with their own needs and been unable to truly be there for them. Not receiving the love that they needed would have stopped them from being able to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being.

Their sense of self wouldn’t have fully developed and this means that they wouldn’t have developed a felt sense of safety, trust, belonging, power, worth or lovability. To handle what happened, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs.

Another Element

Along with this, they would have lost touch with their connected, true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed, false self. With this in mind, if they freely express themselves, it will unlock some of the unresolved trauma that is inside them.

As a result, what has happened – them being rejected and left and having the experience of dying without dying - will be seen as something that will happen. For them to be able to freely express themselves, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk