Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Stop Someone From Developing A Felt Sense of Safety?

What can be normal is for someone to feel on edge and as though something bad is going to happen to them. At other times, it could be even worse, as it could be as though their life is going to end.

If so, they will either experience anxiety or they will experience anxiety, fear and terror. Naturally, this is going to make it difficult for them to not only feel at ease but to embrace life.

One Scenario

The outcome of this is that they could spend a lot of time by themselves and rarely, if ever, spend time around others. This will be a way for them to feel more at ease and experience a sense of control.

The downside to this is that it will cause them to live a very restrictive life. Certain needs, such as their need for human contact, might seldom, if ever, be met.

Another Scenario

Then again, they might not spend a lot of time by themselves and instead, could often be around others. By often being around others, or certain people, they might be able to feel more settled.

But if they are this way, they may have the tendency to do what they can to please these people and to ignore their own needs. This can be something that takes place automatically.

The lesser of two Evils

If they are in this position, they are likely to believe that if they don’t behave in this way, the people in their life won’t stay around. They then have to abandon themselves in order to avoid being abandoned.

And, as they find it so hard to feel settled when they are by themselves, they are not going to want the people in their life to turn their backs on them. Hiding themselves is then going to be something that they are willing to do to avoid being left.

Stepping Back

If they were to reflect on how they experience life, they could wonder why they find it so hard to feel settled. They might see that their life has been this way for as long as they can remember.

If they were to tell a trusted friend or talk to their doctor about what is going on, they could be told that they suffer from anxiety. After this, they could be told that they need to learn how to control their breathing, take certain supplements or go on medication.

Another Direction

Conversely, the person they talk to could ask them about what their childhood was like. This could be a time when they will say that it wasn’t that bad and that they were not hit, for instance.

However, even if they were to say something like this, it doesn’t mean that this was a stage of their life that didn’t have a big impact on them. And, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like, they might soon realise this.

Back In Time

From a very young age, they might have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed. And when they were given attention, it might have often been misattuned care.

Due to this, they would have missed out on what they need to grow and develop in the right way. So instead of staying connected to their body and being able to develop a felt sense of safety, trust, worth, and lovability, the opposite would have happened.

A Brutal Time

To handle not having certain needs consistently met and the pain that this caused them, they would have gradually lost touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. Along with this, they would have developed a felt sense of being unsafe, of not being able to trust others or the world, of being worthless, and unlovable.

Adapting in this way and being focused on others would have been a way for them to try to avoid being rejected and abandoned. But although this would have made it easier for them to keep it together and function, it is unlikely to have changed how their mother and/or father behaved.

The past is present

The reason for this is that, most likely, one or both of them were unable to provide them with what they needed, as they have also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. Now, this stage of their life will be over, of course, but a big part of them won’t know this.

This part of them will project the past onto the present, with it being as though they are still a powerless and dependent child who, at any moment, could be left to die or be smothered and annihilated. Thus, and in addition to the pain and unmet development needs that they are carrying, how their nervous system adapted, and their brain became wired, it is to be expected that it would be very difficult for them to feel at ease in their own body.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for them to gradually change their life, there will be a number of things for them to do. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk