Early Deprivation: Can Early Deprivation Stop Someone From Individuating?

Even though someone is an individual, it doesn’t mean that they will generally act like one. What can be normal is for them to do what they can to please others and what they think will please others.

But, as this is just what is normal, they might not be aware of how out of balance they are. If they are not aware of what is going on, they are still going to pay a heavy price for living in this way.

One Scenario

So, they can often feel drained and even depressed, but they could typically ignore what is going on inside them. This can show that they are so focused on what is going on externally that they seldom, if ever, connect with their inner world.

Sooner or later, though, they could arrive at the stage where it gets harder and harder for them to behave in this way. Not only can they have less energy to behave in this way but they can also have less of a desire.

The next Stage

Assuming that this takes place, they can wonder why they are unable to freely express themselves, instead of having such a strong need to please others. They can see that by being this way, it is stopping them from living a life that reflects who they are.

When they think about their life, they might see that what they do for a living is not in alignment with who they are. There could be people in their life who are not right for them and they might be in a relationship with someone who is not a good match for them either.

Inner Conflict

However, although they will see that a number of areas of their life are not right and want their life to change as a result, they can find that another part of them is experiencing resistance. This part of them can not only want their life to stay how it is but it can be stronger than the other part of them.

If so, this part of them will feel comfortable with living a life that is not serving their highest good. At this point, they could feel frustrated and angry, and they might end up feeling helpless and hopeless.

Going Deeper

If they were to develop a deeper connection to this other part of them, they could find that pleasing others is seen as the only way for them to survive. Therefore, as bleak as their life will be, this will be seen as the only option they have.

After realising this, they can wonder why this part of them associates pleasing others with survival and freely expressing themselves with death. As confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

Back In Time

This stage of their life may have been anything but nurturing, with it being a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. So, practically from the moment that they were born, they might have missed out on the attunement and care that they needed.

Or, the first few years of their life might not have been too bad but they might have suffered after this period. Either way, they wouldn’t have received the attunement and care that they needed to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being.

One option

To handle what happened, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their connected true self and developing a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

Additionally, they would have come to associate their needs and feelings as bad and believed that they were worthless and unlovable. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life but they will be in a developmentally stunted state.

Frozen In Time

The part of them that doesn’t want to behave differently won’t realise that this stage of their life is over. This part of them will see other people as their parents and will, like when they were a child, need to please them.

Not doing this will be seen as something that will cause them to be rejected and abandoned and for their life to end. What this shows is that this part of them has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t see that they are no longer dependent on others.

Moving Forward

For them to gradually go from a dependent to an interdependent human who has a felt sense of safety, security, worth and lovability and feels comfortable with their own needs and feelings, they are going to have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk