Early Deprivation: Can Man Reject His Desire For A Woman If He Experienced Early Deprivation?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may find is that he rarely experiences desire when he is around women. This can be a time when he doesn’t really feel anything.

He can see that it is not that he rarely sees women who he is attracted to, but that he doesn’t respond strongly when he does. However, after he has been around a woman or women who he finds attractive, he can feel extremely frustrated and needy.

A Strong Reaction

To help him manage how he is feeling, he can end up eating or drinking something, or he could masturbate. After a while, he could settle down again and be able to carry on as normal.

Assuming that this does take place, he can wonder why he is seldom aware of how he feels when he is around an attractive woman or women. What might enter his mind is that there must be something inherently wrong with him.

Looking Back

But if he were to look back on his life and what has happened when he has not only experienced but acted on his desire, it might help him to understand why he is this way. So, he may see that when he has expressed his interest to a woman, in most cases, he was knocked back.

When this took place, he may see that he felt very low and found it hard to function for a little while after. It wasn’t something that he was able to move on from shortly after; it knocked him down for a very long time.

A Release

Due to how much pain he experiences when he is knocked back by a woman, it is not going to be a surprise that he has the inclination to ignore his desire for a woman. This is likely to be something that takes place automatically, as opposed to how he chooses to be.

And, not only can he masturbate when he is knocked back, but he can spend a lot of time masturbating to porn. This is likely to be a way for him to experience his desire for a woman and meet it in his imagination, without having to experience the pain of being knocked back.

A Strange Scenario

Now, this won’t be the same, but it will allow him to release tension. At this point, he can wonder why he is unable to just embrace his desire for a woman and handle being knocked back, without falling down.

Nonetheless, if he were able to go back in time and observe his early years, he might slowly understand why he is this way. The reason for this is that this may have been a time when he was often neglected.

Back In Time

Practically from the moment that he was born, he might have often been abandoned, which would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. He would have missed out on the attunement, care, affection and support that he needed to grow and develop in the right way.

This is because his mother and perhaps his father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Due to this, he would have experienced and expressed his desire by reaching out, crying and/or screaming, but he would have seldom been responded to.

One option

As a result, it would have been very painful for him to be aware of, let alone express his desire. To handle growing up in an unresponsive environment, he would have had to lose touch with his embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self.

Over time, a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self would have been developed. He would then have started off feeling fully alive and full of need, and ended up losing touch with his aliveness and a number of his needs.

A Key Point

If he hadn’t adapted in this way, he probably wouldn’t have made it past this stage of his life. Furthermore, although what happened at this stage of his life had nothing to do with his adult desire for a woman, as it laid the foundations for the relationship that he would have with his own needs and what he expects to happen when he expresses his needs, it doesn’t matter.

So, when he experiences desire as an adult and is unable to receive what he desires, he will re-experience what it was like for him very early on. Another part of this is that a big part of him will still be living in the hope that he will receive what he missed out on as a child.

It’s Futile

This part of him has no sense of time and is blind, so it won’t be able to see that, as this stage of his life is over and another woman is not his mother, it is too late for him to receive what he missed out on. During this stage of his life, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that helped him to keep it together and function, and release tension.

Taking all this into account, for him to be able to reconnect to, experience, express, and handle not being able to fulfil his desire, and for him to no longer look for the love that he missed out on early on, he will have a number of steps to take. There will be beliefs for him to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk