Early Deprivation: Can Someone Abandon Themselves If They Had A Masochistic Mother?

It can be normal for someone to focus on other people’s needs and to ignore a number of their own. They can then meet their basic needs, such as their need to eat and sleep, but that can typically be it.

So, if they are not working, they can be doing things for others. This can mean that most, if not all, of the people in their life find it hard to handle life.

A Parental Figure

If so, when they are around these people, they can often be listening to their problems, giving them encouragement and doing things for them. Now, in general, these people could be grateful for what they do.

Then again, they could largely take what they do for them for granted and even react negatively if they are unable to be there for them. What this will show is that they believe that they are entitled to their time and attention.

The Outcome

But even though they won’t be responsible for them, when they can’t be there for them, they can feel incredibly guilty. It then won’t be that they are being there for themselves and are doing the right thing; it will be that they are being selfish and are doing the wrong thing.

Thanks to how they live, they can often feel frustrated, resentful, drained and even exhausted. Therefore, although they will feel comfortable when they are focusing on and meeting other people’s needs, this will cause them to suffer.
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Stepping Back

If they were to look back on their life, they may see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What might end up entering their mind is that they were simply born this way.

However, even if this is what they conclude, it doesn’t mean that this is actually the case. What this may illustrate is that their early years were a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Back in Time

This may have been a time when their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, their mother may have often been unhappy and depressed, and found it hard to cope with life.

Consequently, this would have caused them to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle the lack of love that was on offer, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs.

Two Selves

This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

And, as they were egocentric, they would have blamed themselves for how they were being treated. It was then not that their mother couldn’t provide them with what they needed; it was that their needs and feelings were bad, and they were worthless and unlovable.

Another Factor

What might have also played a part in them ignoring themselves and feeling guilty when they don’t focus on others is how their mother often behaved. She might have often spoken about how much she sacrificed for them and blamed them for how she felt.

This would have sent them a message that both their needs and themselves were a source of pain. But, no matter what they did for her, it is unlikely to have changed how she behaved, and this is because of how attached she was to her own suffering.

An Old Adaption

Most likely, she had grown up in an environment that was just as, if not more, depriving, and this meant that she was unable to meet her needs directly. She might have only received attention when she wasn’t doing well or was unwell.

The years would then have passed, but her need to punish herself and suffer was still associated with her receiving attention, acceptance and being connected. She is likely to have been completely unaware of this.

Its over

Anyway, this stage of their life will now be over, of course, but thanks to how they adapted, they won’t realise this at a deeper, emotional level. What will also play a part in how they behave is that the mother they had at this stage of their life will have been internalised.

Their outer mother would have become part of their superego to ensure that they behaved in a way that allowed them to please and maintain their connection to her. This part of them won’t realise that they no longer need to please her in order to survive.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for them to reconnect to themselves, see themselves differently and change their inner voice, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk