Early Deprivation: Can Someone Act Like An External Regulator If They Had An Emotionally Unstable Parent?

Even though someone is a separate human being who has their own needs, feelings and challenges, for instance, it doesn’t mean that they will typically act like one. Instead, it can be as though they are on this planet to care for and ensure that other people are not emotionally unsettled.

So, if they were to think about how they usually behave when they are around friends or family, they can see that they are very focused on them and become who they want or think they want them to be. And, if they are sad or angry, they can do what they can to be understanding and make them feel better.

External Feedback

It can be normal for people in their life to reach out to them when they are going through a tough time. Due to this, they could often be told that they are very kind and caring and that it is easy to be around them.

But, although they might appreciate this feedback, they can often feel as though the people in their life rarely see and hear them. In fact, it can be as though most, if not all, of the people in their life only reach out when they want something and don’t actually care about them.

A Depriving Existence

They are then going to spend a lot of time doing things for others and being there for them emotionally, but they won’t receive much from others. Thanks to this, they can spend a lot of time feeling drained and even exhausted.

However, as they will spend so much time being tuned into what is going on for others and being there for them, they might seldom, if ever, be aware of how they feel or a number of their needs. Consequently, they might have moments where they don’t have the energy to do a great deal.

An External Assessment

If they were to talk to someone about how they often behave, this person might say that it is as though they are a mirror. Unlike someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder and expects others to attune to and meet their needs, they feel compelled to attune to and meet others' needs.

They could also be told that they are like a parental figure who does what they can to ensure that others don’t become overwhelmed by their feelings and end up falling apart. After reflecting on what they have heard, they could wonder why they can’t freely express themselves and have the need to adapt to others and manage their inner world.

What’s going on?

For them to find out why they are this way, they can imagine that they live a life where they do freely express themselves and don’t continually sacrifice themselves. Also, they attune to how others feel, but don’t take it on and act like it is their responsibility to soothe them.

At first, they can feel free, relieved and alive, but as time passes, they can experience fear and anxiety, and feel guilty. If so, they may have the need to go back to how they were before.

A Strange Scenario

After this, they can wonder why they have the need to behave in a way that is not serving them. Yet, as confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might slowly make sense.

This may have been a time when one or both of their parents were often emotionally unstable. If it were one parent, in one moment, this parent might have been settled, and in the next, they might have erupted.

A Brutal Time

This was a stage of their life when they needed a parent or parents who were attuned, caring, affectionate and supportive, along with largely being consistent and emotionally settled, so that they could feel safe and securely attach to them and, therefore, grow and develop in the right way. But this would have been a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded.  

To handle not receiving the nutrients that they needed and the pain that this caused them, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

One option

In its place would have been the formation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Additionally, they would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad, that they were worthless and unlovable, and that they were responsible for how other people felt.

Adapting in this way and living in hope would have not only been a way for them to try to soothe their parent, but it would have also been a way for them to try to be loved by them. But, as this parent was most likely in a traumatised state and couldn’t give them what they needed, as they had also missed out on what they needed as a child, it wouldn’t have mattered how they adapted or what they did.

The Struggle Continues

As futile as this was, though, living in hope would have made it easier for them to keep their needs and feelings at bay and release tension and thereby to keep it together and function. This stage of their life will now be over, of course, but not all of them will realise this.

This part will cause them to unconsciously project the parent that they had into others, and being there for them, while abandoning themselves, will be seen as the only way for them to survive, as well as receive the love that they missed out on. For them to longer project the parent that they had into others, be there for themselves, and no longer look for the love that they missed out on, there will be a number of steps for them to take.

Moving Forward

There will be beliefs for them to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk