Early Deprivation: Can Someone Associate Being Seen With Being Trapped If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they may see is that, when they are around others, they tend to play a role. Therefore, instead of freely expressing themselves, they will go into a fixed way of behaving.

So, their focus will be on pleasing others, and they can come across as understanding and easy-going. They are then not going to be the centre of attention and stand out; they will be in the background.

Tiring Existence

After they have spent time around another or others, they can often feel angry, frustrated and tired. But, before long, they can feel as though they have been liberated and can finally be themselves.

The reason for this is that they won’t feel the pressure to be anyone or do anything when they are in their own company. They can be connected to themselves and behave however they want to behave.

A Very Different Experience

As a result of this, they might do what they can to spend as much time as they can by themselves. Yet, while this will stop them from having to be someone and behave in a certain way, it is likely to mean that they will often feel disconnected and lonely.

Even so, when they do feel disconnected and lonely, they might soon do or take something in order to avoid how they feel. Their need to be themselves is then going to be stronger than their need to connect with another or others.

An Unfulfilling Existence

After a while, though, they might wonder why they find it so hard to be themselves around others. They can see that this is causing them to not only lead a very restrictive life but also deprive themselves of the intimacy that they desire.

They might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. If so, they might believe that they were just born his way and that there is very little that they can do.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, there is a strong chance that they were not born this way and that what took place during their formative years played a big part in why they are this way. The reason for this is that their mother and/or father might have seldom, if ever, provided them with the attunement, care and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way and freely express themselves.

Instead, they might have not only been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, but had a mother and/or father who needed them to meet a number of their needs. Thus, they wouldn’t have been able to be themselves; they had to be who they wanted them to be.

Another Part

Along with this, their mother and/or father might not have been able to see them, thanks to what they had unconsciously projected into them. For example, they might have seen them as being incapable, shy, and/or quiet.

Due to how needy their mother and/or father were and what they had dumped into them, they would have been weighed down by their needs and felt trapped in their presence. During this time, they might have also needed to be by themselves to not feel burdened and feel free.

The Down Side

But, like now, this would have been a time when they felt lonely and cut off from others. On the plus side, when they were by themselves, they would have been able to connect to their inner world.

And, as they were not seen and heard and allowed to be themselves when they were around their mother and/or father, being around one or both of them wouldn’t have stopped them from feeling lonely and disconnected. In fact, it would have made them feel even more alone and estranged from themselves.

A Brutal Time

Ultimately, how they were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability; it was simply a reflection of what was going on for their mother and/or father. But, as they were egocentric at this stage of their life, they would have personalised what took place.

It then wasn’t that they were not seen and heard or allowed to freely express themselves because their mother and/or father couldn’t provide them with what they needed; no, they would have believed that they didn’t deserve to be seen and heard because they were worthless and unlovable, and their needs and feelings were bad. Most likely, their mother and/or father was also greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years.

Its Over

Now, although they are an adult and no longer need to behave in this way, a big part of them won’t realise this. Consequently, they will unconsciously project the mother and/or father that they had into others and feel compelled to behave in the same way.

This will be what feels safe and will be seen as the only way for them to be accepted. For them to be able to be around others without feeling trapped and be able to freely express themselves, they are going to have a number of steps to take.

Moving Forward

They are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk