Early Deprivation: Can Someone Associate Receiving Attention With Being Humiliated If They Had An Abusive Mother?

Even though someone will have the need to be seen and heard, this need might rarely, if ever, be met. The reason for this is that they could do what they can to stay in the background.

So, when they are at work, with friends and even with family, they could prefer to let other people talk and do their best not to stand out. They are then going to do their best to hide in plain sight.

Unaware

However, although this is the case, this might not be something that they are consciously aware off. Due to this, they can find that they often feel ignored and invisible around others, but they won’t realise why this is.

The outcome of this is that they could believe that other people are not interested in them or what they have to say. By coming to his conclusion, they could feel worthless and helpless and hopeless.

Stepping Back

If they were to look back on their life, they could see that it has been this way for as long as they can remember. As a result, they could be desperate to live a life when they are seen and heard and are no longer in the background.

One way of looking at this would be to say that they will want to go from being a supporting actor to the main actor. And, over the years, they might have spent a lot of time imagining that they were the centre of attention.

Going Deeper

Now, as frustrating as it will be for them to live in this way and as bleak as their life will be, there is a chance that this behaviour is serving them. After hearing this, they could get angry and say that this is not true.

If so, as they are suffering, it won’t be a surprise that they responded in this way. Nonetheless, what they will need to keep in mind is that in addition to their conscious mind, or conscious sense of themselves, they also have an unconscious mind.

Two levels

In other words, while there will be what they want at a conscious level, there will also be what they want at an unconscious level. Furthermore, this other, hidden part of them is bigger and far more powerful than the visible part of them.

With this in mind, there is a strong chance that, at a deeper level, they don’t feel comfortable being seen and heard. This is then why their life is the way that it is, not because of what is going on ‘out there’.

An Exercise

For them to gain a deeper understanding of what is taking place, one thing that they can do is to use their imagination. They can imagine that they live a life where they are seen and heard.

They can then see themselves at work, with friends or around family, and this is a time when they are acknowledged. This can allow them to feel as though they exist and feel powerful and alive.

The Next Stage

After a while, though, they could be filled with anxiety and fear and have the need to fade into the background. By doing this, they can end up feeling settled once more.

Assuming that they were to have this experience, they could wonder why being seen and heard causes them to feel so uncomfortable. They could believe that there is no reason for them to be this way.

What’s going on?

If they were to stay with the anxiety and fear, they may find that they imagine being put down and humiliated. Consequently, this is likely to cause them to feel rejected and as though they are worthless.

After this, they can have the need to hide as a way to protect themselves. As confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them as a child, it might soon make sense.

A Brutal Time

This may have been a stage of their life when their mother was generally anything but nurturing. Along with being emotionally unavailable and out of reach, she might have often put them down and humiliated them.

They would then have been deprived of the attunement and care that they needed, and they would have been greatly undermined. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded, their brain would have repressed the pain that they were in.

Another Element

This would have also involved them losing touch with their connected and feeling, true self and developing a disconnected and unfeeling, false self. Moreover, their underdeveloped brain would have come to associate receiving attention with being humiliated and rejected.

This part of them would have also personalised how they were treated, with it being seen as a sign that they were worthless and unlovable and that their needs and feelings were bad. In reality, their mother is likely to have been a deeply wounded woman who couldn’t love them.

Moving Forward

How they were treated was then not a reflection of them; it was a reflection of what was going on for their mother. For them to be able to feel comfortable being seen and heard, they are likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk