Early Deprivation: Can Someone Associate Self-Erasure With Belonging If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

What someone may have come to see, after they have stepped back and reflected on their life, is that they have the tendency to hide themselves. Therefore, when they are around others, they can be who they want them to be or who they think they want them to be.

It will then be normal for them to tune into others and to do what they can to meet their needs. This is not to say that they will consciously choose to behave in this way, as it is likely to be something that takes place automatically.

One Scenario

So, when they are around a friend or family member, they can act as though they are an extension of them and are there to serve them. They can spend a lot of time listening, be very understanding and agreeable.

As a result of what they are often like, the people in their life can see them as being selfless and a ‘good’ person. For people like this, what won’t occur to them is that this is not who they really are.

Self-neglect

One reason for this is that they can simply appreciate how attentive and supportive they are. However, no matter how much positive feedback they receive from the people in their life, it won’t make up for the fact that they have abandoned themselves.

Ultimately, for them to live a fulfilling life, they will need to freely express themselves when they are around others. This will then be a time when they are connected to their needs and feelings, and allow this information to influence how they behave.

In Balance

This doesn’t mean that they will ignore other people’s needs and how they feel; no, what it means is that they won’t act as though it is their purpose to meet their needs. At this point, they can wonder why it is so difficult for them to fully show up around others and to be themselves.

For them to find out why this is, they can imagine that they live a life where they typically show up and express themselves. They are then going to be authentic, with them expressing anger if they are angry, being sad if they are sad and making it clear when something is not acceptable, for instance.

The next Stage

Also, to allow themselves to move forward in life, as opposed to being someone who doesn’t do well and stays in other people’s shadows.  At first, this can be a time when they will feel alive and powerful, and relieved and grateful.

Before long, though, they can notice that they start to feel anxious and have the need to hide themselves again. If this is the case, they can wonder why they don’t feel safe when they fully show up.

A Closer Look

As confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when their mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Additionally, when they freely expressed certain needs and feelings, they might have been ignored, rejected, criticised and abandoned. Thus, not only would they have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, but they would have been sent the message that they would only be accepted, connected and survive if they behaved in a certain way.

One Option

As they were powerless and dependent at this stage of their life, they couldn’t change their parents; they could only adapt to them. Their brain would then have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs.

This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

Another Element

But even though they couldn’t make their unresponsive parents responsive and accept them for who they were, most likely because they had also been greatly deprived during their early years, they wouldn’t have been able to accept this. They would have lived in the hope that, if they became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, they would be loved.

This false hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression, helped them to block out reality and allowed them to release tension. If they had faced their inner and outer reality at this stage of their life, it would have been too much for them to handle.

Moving Forward

Lastly, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that their needs and feelings were bad, and that they were worthless and unlovable. This stage of their life is not over, but a big part of them will be frozen in time.

For them to reconnect to themselves, know that they can be accepted and valued for who they are, and freely express themselves, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk