Early Deprivation: Can Someone Associate Suffering With Love If They Experienced Early Deprivation?20/4/2026
What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they spend a lot of time not doing well. So, this can mean that they are often struggling, feeling down, and even being unwell.
Thanks to this, they might not have been able to make much progress in life. Certain friends and family members might then have made progress in most, if not all, areas of their life, but it will be as if they have largely stood still. A Battle They might have been able to move forward in one or a few areas of their life, only to end up back, or close to, where they started. It might have taken a lot of effort for them to have made progress, which can make this harder for them to accept. To use an analogy: it can be as though they had to run up a very long hill to reach a certain point, but shortly after this, they ended up being placed right back at the bottom, or not far from it. Due to this, they will know what it is like to do a lot, while having very little to show for it. A natural outcome Also, they can be used to feeling drained and even exhausted, and they might often question if they want to be alive. What might have often crossed their mind is that the world is doing just about everything that it can to stop them from moving forward. They can then often have moments when they see themselves as a victim who has no control over their life. But although they typically won’t do well, they might receive a lot of emotional support. Feedback Some of the people in their life can be there for them when they are struggling, feeling low and are unwell. During this time, they can tell them that they are doing their best or that they just need to keep going, for instance. They can be very grateful for their support, but be fed up with experiencing life in this way. But as they are not doing well, and if their life has been this way for as long as they can remember, they can believe that this is how it will always be. What’s going on? If it were put forward to them that they may be playing a part in why their life is this way, they could react negatively. They could say that this is not something they are choosing to experience. Naturally, as they want their life to change and to put an end to the misery that they are experiencing, this is to be expected. After all, it would be very strange if they were consciously choosing to experience life in this way. A Deeper Look Nevertheless, even though they will be living a miserable life and won’t be consciously choosing to experience life in this way, it doesn’t mean that another part of them is not comfortable experiencing life in this way and doesn’t have another intention. What this comes down to is that in addition to their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves, they also have an unconscious mind. At this level, they can associate being emotionally supported and loved with not doing well. If so, doing well will be associated with them not being emotionally supported or loved, and as something that would cause them to be disconnected and alone. Going Deeper Assuming that this is the case, they can wonder why part of them associates not doing well with being loved. As strange as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense. Throughout this time in their life, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Not having a responsive parent or parents would have caused them to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed. An Emotional Desert So, when they did receive attention, it might have been because they were not doing well or were unwell. If they were not struggling or were well, they generally wouldn’t have been seen or heard, with it being as though they didn’t exist. At this stage of their life, as they were powerless and dependent, it was essential for them to be seen and heard. They would then have decided, at a deeper level, that it was in their best interest to struggle and perhaps not be unwell at times, if not always. Inner Conflict Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but while their conscious mind and adult self will be fed up with living in this way, at a deeper emotional level, living in this way will be seen as the only way for them to be connected to others and survive. Taking this into account, for them to be able to change how they experience life, there will be a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out or external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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