​Early Deprivation: Can Someone Associate Suffering With Surviving If They Had A Masochistic Mother?

Someone may have made progress in one or a number of areas of their life, only to end up back where they started, or close to it. Then again, this may be something that they have experienced on more than one occasion.

If this is the case, it will be something that has become a normal part of their life. To use an analogy, it will be as if they are a helium balloon that floats up, but before it can get too high, it ends up being popped by a bird and falls back down to the ground, or ends up on a bush close to the ground.

A Tedious Existence

Thanks to what they have continually gone through, they can be well and truly fed up. For a while, though, they might have done their best to stay positive, but this will have gotten harder and harder.

But, considering what they have been through and the impact this will have had on them, this is to be expected. What might enter their mind is that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back.

It’s clear

They will want to move forward and will have taken the steps to do so, so what else would they conclude? However, even though it can seem as though what is going on externally is the issue, what if there is more to it?

What if, at a deeper, emotional level, doing well in their life and being happy and successful is seen as a threat to their survival? After hearing this, they could say that this is not possible.

Two levels

Yet, if they do say this or something similar, what they will need to keep in mind is that they don’t begin and end with their conscious mind, or conscious sense of themselves. Along with this part of them, they also have an unconscious mind, and this part is bigger and far more impactful.

An Activity

For them to connect to what is going on for them at this level, there is an exercise that they can do. They can imagine that they live a life where they have moved forward and are happy and fulfilled.

At first, they can feel powerful and alive, and feel relieved and grateful.  But if they were to stay with this, they may find that they start to feel guilty and anxious.

What’s going on?

Assuming that this is what takes place for them, they can wonder why they would feel this way. What might enter their mind is that there is no reason for them to feel this way, and that it is irrational.

If they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually understand why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life when their mother was not only emotionally unavailable and out of reach, but was also often depressed and found it hard to cope with life.

A Depriving Time

In addition to missing out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed, as they were egocentric at this stage, they would have personalised what happened. They would then have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded, and believed that they were worthless and unlovable.

Their mother might have also blamed them for how she felt, spoken about how much she had to give up for them and criticised them when they were happy. If so, they would have come to believe that they were to blame for her suffering.

Another Element

As time passed, they would have developed an inner mother, which would have become part of their superego. This inner mother would have been there to ensure they focused on their mother, met her needs and didn’t do anything to displease her.

The reason for this is that, as they were powerless and dependent, they needed to stay connected to her and not be abandoned. Abandoning themselves and acting as though they were an extension of her and a reflection of her emotional state was then essential.

It Was Futile

They would have also lived in the hope that, if they were there for her and were able to save her, she would love them. But, as she was probably unable to love them, due to also having been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did.

Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Lastly, she was likely to have been attached to her suffering, after also having associated suffering with being loved and surviving when she was a child.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for them to gradually change their life, they are likely to have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk