Early Deprivation: Can Someone Be An Emotional Caretaker If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

Even though someone is a separate human being who has their own feelings, needs and life to lead, it doesn’t mean that they will realise this. As a result, they can typically come across as though they are an extension of others and are here to meet their needs.

So, when it comes to the people in their life, most, if not all of them, could be in a position where they are struggling to handle life. Some of these people could have mental and emotional issues, financial problems, health problems and/or relational challenges.

A Full-Time Job

Due to this, when they are not asleep or at work, they can give these people advice, help them to settle down and/or do things for them. And, even when they are at work, there can be moments when they are sending them messages or speaking to them.

This can mean that they are often not very present at work and don’t perform as well as they could. Still, they can believe that they are doing the right thing by being there for others and even see themselves as good person.

External Feedback

Some of these people might say the same thing to them and make it clear that they appreciate their support. Then again, they might seldom, if ever, hear supportive words from these people.

Not only this, but if there are moments when they are unable to be there for them, some of these people could end up being critical. What this is likely to show is that these people believe that they are entitled to their time, attention and resources.

A Cycle

After they have been criticised, they could end up feeling guilty and ashamed, and as though they have let them down. Along with this, they could also feel angry and resentful, and as though they are being taken advantage of.

When this happens, they can think about how much they do for others, but how little others do for them. But, as they will live a life when other people shout and they heed their call, but they shout and it’s generally met with silence or indifference, this is to be expected.

A Strange Scenario

After living in this way for as long as they can remember, they can wonder why they are so attentive when it comes to other people’s needs but so neglectful when it comes to their own. What can be clear is that living in this way is causing them to abandon themselves and thus, spend a lot of time running on empty.

They can see that while they like to be of service to others, they also need to be of service to themselves. What can stand out is that if they are not there for themselves, they can’t fully be there for others.

Another point

Additionally, they can see that there is a fine line between helping another and helping to keep them stuck. So, if they are doing things for them that they should do for themselves, they are enabling their behaviour.

Another person is then not going to learn to be responsible for their challenges and develop their own personal capacity. With this in mind, by not longer being so focused on others, they will not only help themselves, but also help them.

What’s going on?

When it comes to why they are this way, it can be a consequence of what took place during their formative years and the impact it had on them. This may have been a time when their mother and/or their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Furthermore, one or both of them might have often been depressed and found it hard to handle life. The outcome of this is that they would have missed out on the attunement, care, support, mirroring and love that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

Another Element

To try to meet their needs, they would have become who they needed them to be and behaved how they wanted them to behave. This would have given them the hope that, if they were there for them and acted like their parent, they would be loved.

But, as one or both of their parents were probably unable to provide them with what they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered who they became or what they did. Still, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for them to block out what was going on for them internally and externally and keep it together and function.

An Inaccurate View

Yet, although what happened was a reflection of what was going on for one or both of their parents, it would have been personalised as they were egocentric. They would then have believed that their needs and feelings were bad, and that they were worthless and unlovable.

Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but they will feel compelled to play the same role. Not playing this role, the role of the selfless caretaker, is likely to unlock how they felt when they were invalidated, ignored, rejected and abandoned, along with the developmental needs that were not met.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for them to no longer abandon themselves, they will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk