Early Deprivation: Can Someone Believe That They Are Bad If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

What someone might see, if they were to step back and reflect on their life is that they often feel down and low. They might see that this is how they have felt for as long as they can remember.

They might see that they have the sense that they are worthless and unlovable. Now, if they have spoken about how they feel to a trusted friend, they might have been told that this isn’t true.

Positive Feedback

If this has taken place, they can be grateful for their support, but what they have been told by them and perhaps others might not have had much of an impact on them. Part of them can believe that they are just being kind.

While at an emotional level, they can just reject what their friend and perhaps others have said to them. As a result, what they are told won’t have much of an impact on how they experience life.

Another Element

Thanks to how they feel and see themselves, they might find that they have pushed a lot of good away. For example, they may have dated or been in a relationship that was going well, only for them to have done something that caused it to end.

So they might have ended up pulling away, cheating on them, or having an affair. But although they would have probably felt angry, frustrated and helpless, they might have also felt more at ease after.

Deeply Unsettled

This is partly, if not fully, because when they were together, they might have often felt anxious. One reason for this is that, as they feel worthless and unlovable, they wouldn’t have felt worthy of being in this position.  

It can then have been as though they had deceived the other person, and sooner or later, they would be exposed and would end up being left. It is then not going to be a surprise if they felt more at ease after their time with the other person came to an end.

A Closer Look

If they were to take the time to explore what is going on inside them, what they might come to see is that they believe that they are bad. This will then be why they are worthless and unlovable.

After this, they could wonder why they see themselves in this way. If they were to look back on their life, they might not be able to think of one thing, let alone a number of things, that they have done that are so bad that it would make them unworthy of life.

One Outlook

At this point, it can seem as though this is just a negative belief that they have, and in order for their life to change, it needs to be changed. However, what if this is not just a belief that they formed?

What if it is also part of a defensive structure that was formed to block out their inner and outer reality and allow them to survive? After hearing this, they might be confused and struggle to understand what is being said.

Back In Time

To understand why they would have needed to block out their inner and outer reality to ensure their existence, it will be necessary to look into what their early years may have been like. This may have been a time when their primary caregiver was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

The outcome of this is that they would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. To handle what happened and to keep it together and function, their brain would have automatically repressed a number of their needs and the pain that they were in.

Another Part

Additionally, as they were egocentric, they would have blamed themselves for how they were being treated. This would have played a part in them blocking out what was going on inside and outside of them.

On one hand, this would have given them a sense of control, even though they had no control, and on the other, it would have allowed them to deceive themselves into believing that they had a connection with their caregiver. At this stage of their life, as they were powerless and dependent, they were not equipped to feel how helpless they were or to accept that they couldn’t connect to their caregiver.

It’s over

This stage of their life is now over, of course, but if they were to accept that they are not bad and to let go of their self-blame and see that how they were treated was, most likely, a reflection of how wounded their caregiver was, it would undermine this defensive structure. They would cause them to come into contact with the feelings and unmet developmental needs that their brain repressed all those years ago.

This would then be a time when they would probably experience terror, and feel helpless and hopeless, for instance. What this demonstrates is that a belief is not always just a belief; it can play a key part in what is stopping deeper material from entering their conscious awareness.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for them to let go of this belief and develop a stronger connection to their embodied and fully feeling true self, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. 

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk