Early Deprivation: Can Someone Crave Attention Over Intimacy If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

What someone may find, if they were to step back and reflect on how they behave, is that they have a strong need for attention. Their need for intimacy, on the other hand, can be more or less nonexistent.

As a result of this, they will like having other people’s eyes on them and on what they are doing, but they typically won’t share their inner world with others. Therefore, they are generally going to have surface-level relationships with others.

The Former

As they have a strong need for attention, they can not only have a few social media profiles, but they can also share a lot of things online. For example, they might consistently share pictures of their body or what they have been doing.

They might have hundreds or thousands of followers, which can allow them to receive a lot of attention. Additionally, when they are around people in the real world, they might rarely wear much and could often talk about what they have been doing and/or have achieved.

The latter

As they don’t have a strong need for intimacy, they might seldom, if ever, open up about how they feel or the challenges that they are going through. They can largely come across as though everything is fine and nothing bothers them.

Or, if they do open up to the people in their life, it can simply be another way for them to receive attention. So, they can share something bad that has happened to them, with this being a way for them to receive sympathy.

Another Insight

After this, they can see that they carefully choose what to share with the people in their life and perhaps online to ensure that they receive the right attention. They might see that if they don’t talk about something to receive sympathy, they talk about something to receive admiration.

And, when someone in their life opens up about something challenging, they might find that they typically lose interest or want to change the subject before long. This can be a time when they feel very uncomfortable.

A Strange Scenario

Now, regardless of whether  they have a big social media following or even spend much time on social media, they can wonder why they are this way. They can be at the point where, as much as they like to receive attention, it is not as satisfying as it used to be, and they often feel disconnected and lonely.

For them to find out why they are this way, there is an exercise that they can do. They can imagine that they no longer live a life where they use their body, achievements, and/or struggles as a way to receive attention, open up about what is going on for them with trusted friends and are interested in what is going on for them.

The Next Stage

At first, they can experience a sense of relief and connection, as, for the first time in a long time, they can feel seen and heard, as opposed to simply receiving attention. They can also feel supported.

After a while, though, they can experience tension and feel exposed, and have the need to go back to how they were before. Once they do, they can experience a sense of control and can settle down again.

What’s going on?

Assuming that this is what they experience when they imagine living differently, they can wonder why this is. What might enter their mind is that there is no reason for them to be this way.

However, if they were able to go back in time and observe what it was like for them during their formative years, it might gradually make sense. This may have been a time when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Back In Time

Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have often put them down and humiliated them, and even physically harmed them.

To handle this and keep it together and function, they would have lost touch with their connected and feeling true self and created a disconnected, armoured and unfeeling false self. This false self would have stopped them from experiencing a number of their needs and feelings, and stopped them from being consciously aware of the harm that was being done to them.

A Different Reality

Thus, it would have protected them, but it would have also undermined their ability to freely express themselves and take life in. Their need to be seen, heard, receive affection and be loved would have automatically been converted to a need for attention.

If they had been able to emotionally attach to their mother and father and freely express themselves and had received what they needed to grow and develop, their insatiable need for attention would have probably decreased, and they would feel comfortable with intimacy. But, thanks to what happened, along with having developed a disconnected false self, they can believe that their needs and feelings are bad, and that they are worthless and unlovable.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for them to reconnect to themselves, feel comfortable opening up and no longer need as much attention, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk