Early Deprivation: Can Someone Expect Good Things To End If They Had An Emotionally Unstable Parent?

Right now, someone could be in a relationship that is going well and/or their career could be going in the right direction. However, they can often feel anxious and as though something bad is going to happen.

If they were to reflect on what is going on, they could believe that there is no reason for them to be this way. Therefore, what is going on for them internally is going to be irrational and have no basis in reality.

One Outlook

Now, it could be said that something ‘bad’ could happen, but that doesn’t mean that they should spend a lot of time on edge. Instead, they can simply embrace what is going on and then, if something happens that changes what is going on, they can deal with it there and then.

And, if they were to share what is going on for them with a friend, they could be told something similar. A friend could say that there is no need for them to be this way and that they just need to learn how to be present and relax.

Looking Back

If they were to look back on their life, they may see that they haven’t been this way before. Then again, they might see that this is not new, as they have been this way for a long time.

What might be new is that before now, they were not aware of how anxious they became when one or a number of areas of their life were going well. Additionally, they might see that they have often done things to undermine something in their life that was going well before anything bad happened.

A Relief

Still, this is not to say that they consciously chose to sabotage an area of their life, as this is likely to have happened unconsciously. For example, perhaps they ended up forgetting their partner’s birthday or cheated, or they might have kept turning up late for work or not prepared for a presentation, for instance.

Whatever happened, they would have ended up saying or doing something that had a negative impact on their relationship or career. Nonetheless, after this took place, they may have found that they were finally able to relax, if only for a short while.

It Makes Sense

But as they would have been waiting for something bad to happen and were unable to settle as a result, it makes sense that they would experience a sense of relief after. That’s not to say that they were happy about what happened, though.

And, due to how focused they were on what happened, they might not have even realised that they felt more relaxed. Or if they did, they might have wondered why they felt more settled.

What’s going on?

After becoming aware of all this, they can wonder why they can’t just feel settled when things are going well and feel comfortable with good things. What might enter their mind is that there is something inherently wrong with them.

Nevertheless, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually understand why they are this way. This is because this may have been a time when one or both of their parents would often erupt, making it difficult for them to relax and feel good.

Back In Time

Assuming that it was one parent who was like this, from a very young age, this parent might have often been unhappy, shouted at them and even harmed them for no apparent reason. At other moments, they might have been very happy, calm and loving.

Therefore, as opposed to growing up in an environment where they felt safe, were supported, could relax and freely express themselves, they felt unsafe, unsupported, couldn’t relax and had to be attuned to and adapt to their parents' moods. So, the connection that they had to their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self would have been severed, and replaced by a disembodied, disconnected, and not fully feeling false self.

It’s over

Of course, this stage of their life will be over, but a big part of them won’t realise this. To this part of them, they will still live in an environment that isn’t safe, and in order for them to protect themselves, they need to be on alert.

Just like then, this part of them will have the sense that, if they settle into their body, relax and feel good, and freely express themselves, they will be annihilated. Furthermore, this part of them will also cause them to unconsciously re-create what it was like for them during this stage of their life in the hope of finally receiving the love that they missed out on.

Unlike their conscious mind, this deeper, emotional part of them has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it can’t accept that, as this stage of their over is over and another person is not their mother or father, it is too late for them to receive this love. This hope would then have played a key part in what allowed them to keep it together and function, but now it won’t be serving them.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for them to be able to be in their body, allow themselves to relax and feel good, and freely express themselves, there will be a number of steps for them to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If they can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk