Early Deprivation: Can Someone Feel Comfortable Being A Victim If They Have An Inner Masochist?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, they might see that they often end up in situations where they are taken advantage of and mistreated. They might see that this has been the case for as long as they can remember.

So, they might have been in a number of relationships where they were emotionally deprived and often put down and humiliated. Along with this, they may have even been physically harmed.

Another Area

They might have also worked at a number of places where they were not treated very well. During this time, they might have been made fun of and treated like they were less than others.

It might have gone further than this, though, as they might have often been physically harmed. And, once they left, they may have found out that they were paid less than those who were doing the same things and were often given harder things to do.

One More

There might have even been  moments when they were unwell and were given the wrong medication or treatment. If so, this might have caused them to experience additional issues.

Lastly, if they drive, there might have been at least one moment when their car wasn’t repaired properly, which caused them to have an accident or be unable to arrive at an important appointment on time. Irrespective of whether they can relate to some or all of these, they are likely to think of many other examples.

External Feedback

Now, when it comes to the people in their life, most, if not all, of them could be very understanding and supportive. They might usually say that what has happened isn’t their fault and that life is unfair, for instance.
Additionally, at times, they could offer to help them financially and even legally. Assuming that this is so, they are going to have plenty of people around them and won’t be isolated.

A Key Question

However, after getting to the point where they are sick and tired of spending so much time feeling angry, powerless and depressed, they might wonder why their life is this way. They might find that part of them believes that the world is against them and there is nothing that they can do about it.

If so, they will just have to do their best to tolerate being taken advantage of and mistreated. Yet, if they were to use their imagination, they might slowly find that part of them feels comfortable experiencing life his way.

An Exercise

So, they can imagine that they live a life where they are in a relationship where they are treated well, have a fulfilling job, and their life is just going well. At first, they can feel relieved and grateful.

After a while, though, they can find that they start to feel anxious and have the need to live the life that they currently live. Not being treated well and things not going well and thus, being deprived and suffering, is going to be what feels comfortable.

A Bizarre Situation

Assuming that this is what they have come to see, they might conclude that there is something inherently wrong with them and that they are messed up. Nevertheless, even if they do have this outlook, if their early years were taken into account, what is going on for them might gradually make sense.

The reason for this is that, at this stage of their life, they might have typically only received attention and been accepted when they were not doing well. As a result, their existence would have largely only been acknowledged if they were struggling or were unwell, for instance.

The Message

After a while, their system would have associated being connected, accepted, belonging, and surviving with suffering. To ensure that this took place, part of their psyche (their superego) would have developed in a certain way.

It would have controlled how they behaved and caused them to unconsciously behave in ways that would stop them from doing well and even be unwell, in the hope that this would allow them to be loved. But as their mother and perhaps their father were probably emotionally unavailable and out of reach and even abusive, this probably wasn’t very effective.

No Other option

Nonetheless, as they were powerless and dependent, they had no other choice but to adapt and struggle for the crumbs that were on offer. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but this early association that they formed will still be in place and with it, their need to suffer.

The part of them that is there to ensure that they suffer will be partly fuelled by their aggression. Instead of  being able to use this force to make progress in their life, it will be undermining them.

Moving Forward

This part of them won’t realise that, as this stage of their life is over, they no longer need to punish themselves and suffer in order to be connected, loved and survive. What helped them will now be harming them.

For them to change their life, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and procures, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk