Early Deprivation: Can Someone Feel Comfortable Being Abused If They Have An Inner Masochist?

Recently, someone may have been in a relationship that was anything but nurturing and life-affirming. Instead, this may have been a time when they were emotionally deprived and treated like they were nothing.

Due to this, they can now be in a bad way both mentally and emotionally, and their physical health might have also declined. It might take a number of months, if not years, before they are back on their feet again, so to speak.

Stepping Back

Regardless of when this is, they might end up reflecting on this area of their life. If they do, they can see that this is not the first time that they have been in a relationship like this.

Assuming that this is so, they might see that their last relationship was very similar to the one they just got out of. Then again, it might go further than this, as they might see that they have been in at least three relationships like this.

One Conclusion

After this, what might enter their mind is that this is just what men or women are like or that they are unlucky. If they end up believing the former, they won’t be able to do much about this area of their life; if they end up believing the latter, they will have to wait until their luck changes.

However, even if they are convinced that one of these reasons explains why this area of their life is this way, what if there is more to it? What if, at a deeper, emotional level, they feel comfortable being punished and suffering?

One outcome

After hearing this, they could become defensive and react strongly. They could say that they are being blamed for how they are treated.

If they do react in this way or in a way that is similar, it could be said that this is to be expected. After all, they will have been in a number of abusive relationships and suffered as a result, so they are not going to want to be in this position.

Two levels

Nonetheless, what they will need to keep in mind is that along with their conscious mind or conscious sense of themselves and what they want at this level, there is also their unconscious mind and what they want at this level. For them to connect to what is going on for them at a deeper level, they can use their imagination.

So, they can imagine that they are in a relationship that is nurturing and they are being treated well. At first, they can feel good and then relieved and grateful, but over time, they can find that they end up feeling uncomfortable.

Another Part

Furthermore, they can find that part of them craves being with someone who doesn’t treat them well. Being treated badly and suffering can be what feels comfortable and allows them to feel settled.

If this is so, they might conclude that there is something inherently wrong with them and even that they are ‘messed up’. But as strange and confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

Way Back

During this stage of their life, they might have been brought up by a mother and perhaps a father who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, they might have often been verbally and even physically abused by one or both of them.

This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded, and, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. They would then have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable and deserved to be mistreated.

Another Element

Part of their psyche (their superego) would have ended up directing their aggression toward them and doing what it could to ensure that they behaved in a certain way. This is likely to have related to them not expressing their feelings or certain needs, doing what they could to please others and meet their needs, and being agreeable, for instance.

Being a non-entity and self-sacrificing would have not only been a way for them to avoid being rejected, abandoned and harmed, it would have also been a way for them to try to be loved. But no matter how much they punished themselves both externally and internally and suffered or adapted, it wouldn’t have allowed them to be loved.

The Same Outcome

Most likely, their mother and perhaps their father were unable to provide them with what they needed, as they themselves had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but at a deeper level, they will still associate being punished and suffering with being accepted, connected and surviving.

This will also be a way for them to manage the guilt that they experience as a result of not feeling worthy of existing. Ultimately, how they were treated was not a reflection of their worth or lovability, or a sign that they don’t deserve to exist.

Moving Forward

For them to gradually change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk