Early Deprivation: Can Someone Feel Comfortable Being Unhappy If They Had A Masochistic Mother?

What someone may see, if they were to step back and reflect on their life, is that they have the tendency to feel low. They may even have moments when they feel deeply depressed.

However, when they do have moments when their mood rises, and they feel good or even great, they could find that they soon feel uncomfortable. If they were to think about how they feel, they may find that they feel guilty.

Another Part

Due to how they feel during these moments, they might have the inclination to punish themselves afterwards. So, in addition to their inner voice being critical, they could end up overworking.

Or, they could help a family member or friend, even though there are things that they desperately need to attend to in their own life. After something like this has occurred, they could settle down, but they could also feel angry and exhausted.

A Strange Scenario

What might enter their mind after becoming aware of this is that there must be something inherently wrong with them and that they are messed up. But, as they will want to live a life where they not only feel good but can sustain positive feelings, this is to be expected.

They might see that there is no reason for them to feel bad when they feel good and feel good when they feel bad. Now, if they were to look back on their life, they might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.

A Closer Look

But as strange as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually see why they are this way. This may have been a stage of their life when their mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Furthermore, she might have often been down and depressed, and found it hard to cope with life. As they were egocentric at this stage, they would have come to believe that they were to blame for how their mother was and that it was up to them to save her.

The Second part

Along with this, their mother might have often spoken about how much she did for them and what she had to give up for them. Thus, as well as the meaning that their underdeveloped brain made, they would have been directly blamed for how she was.

To handle not receiving the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

An Adaption

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. To ensure that they stayed connected to their mother, were accepted and survived, they would have done what they could to please her and meet her needs.

And, as she was seldom, if ever, happy and couldn’t cope, they would have unconsciously done what they could to ensure that they were not happy and didn’t do well. If they had vocalised what was going on for them, it might have been something like, “Look, mum, I’m just like you, so please accept me and don’t leave me”.

The Priority

As they were powerless and dependent at this stage of their life, they needed to be accepted by their mother and to have her around. Thus, being miserable like her and not allowing themselves to do well would have been worth it.

Over time, thanks to the messages that they received, they would have developed an inner mother. This inner mother, which would have been part of their superego, would have ensured that their behaviour didn’t change.  

The other Side

It wasn’t that this part was trying to undermine them; it was simply doing what it could to keep them alive. Most likely, their mother had been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, as a result of having a mother who was also not in a good way.

She would then have come to associate self-sacrifice and suffering with being loved, and this association would have been passed down. The years would then have passed, but she wouldn’t have realised that her needs could be met without her needing to self-sacrifice herself and suffer.

It’s over

Anyway, even though they are no longer a child and don’t need to act as though they are an extension of their mother to survive, that’s if she is still alive, part of them won't realise this. Their inner mother will still do what it can to ensure that they continue to sacrifice themselves and suffer.

They will carry most, if not all, of the pain and unmet developmental needs that their brain had to repress during their early years.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for them to mentally and emotionally separate from their mother and be able to be happy and successful, they are going to have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk