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What someone may see, if they were to reflect on their life, is that it is normal for them to be overly focused on other people’s needs. Due to this, a number of their own needs will often, if not always, be ignored.
As a result of how they behave, they might be used to hearing people say that they are a ‘good person’ and are ‘selfless’, for instance. If so, they will spend a lot of time receiving positive feedback. Worn Out However, no matter what feedback they receive or how often they receive it, it won’t make up for the fact that they are neglecting themselves. As a result, they may realise they often feel not just tired but totally exhausted. Furthermore, they might see that they often feel resentful, and that this causes them to be passive-aggressive. They can then, for example, often turn up late to see friends and family, ignore calls and take ages to reply to their messages. What’s going on? If they were to think about changing their behaviour, though, they might soon feel uncomfortable. This can be a time when they end up feeling guilty and anxious. If so, they will want to be there for themselves and be less focused on others, but this is going to be seen as the wrong thing for them to do and a threat to their survival. After seeing this, they can wonder why they are this way. A Bleak Existence Naturally, living in this way is not serving them, so this shouldn’t be what feels comfortable. But, as confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually find out why they are this way. This may have been a time when their mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she might have typically been depressed and unable to cope with life. The outcome Consequently, they would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed. To handle what happened and keep it together and function, they would have had to adapt. This would have involved their brain repressing how they felt and a number of their needs, and them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed false self. In its place, there would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. Taken To Heart As they were egocentric, they would have personalised what was taking place. Therefore, it wasn’t that their mother couldn’t be there for them; it was that they were worthless and unlovable, and they were at fault for how unhappy she was. What would have also played a part in the meaning that they made was that their mother may have often blamed them for how she felt, and often spoken about how much she sacrificed for them. To stay connected to her and try to be loved, they would have done what they could to please her. The Same Behaviour They would have also sacrificed themselves and ended up being, in the same way that she was, comfortable with suffering. To ensure that they didn’t change their behaviour, they would have developed an inner mother. This inner mother would have been an internalisation of what their outer mother was like. This inner structure, which was part of their superego, would have made sure that they focused on and met her needs, and didn’t allow themselves to feel good or be happy. Life or death At this stage of their life, as they were powerless and dependent, maintaining their connection to her was the only way for them to survive and not be annihilated. Thus, although adapting in this way didn’t allow them to receive what they needed, they had no other choice. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but a big part of them won’t realise it. Deep down, they will continue to associate self-sacrifice and suffering with being good and surviving, and their inner mother will still do what it can to ensure that they don’t change their behaviour. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to gradually change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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