Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have A Fear Of Falling Apart If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

If someone were to reflect on their life, what they might see is that they have the inclination to isolate themselves. They are then going to spend a lot of time by themselves and very little time around others.

As a result, they can spend a lot of time feeling disconnected, lonely, down and empty. But as they will be deprived of the human contact that they need, this is to be expected.

Missing out

If they were completely independent, it wouldn’t matter how much time they spent by themselves. However, as they are an interdependent human being, they will need others to be able to survive and thrive.

What might soon enter their mind is that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. They could then conclude that there must be something inherently wrong with them and feel ashamed.

Another Part

Along with this, when they are around others, they can typically hide who they are and play a role. So, they could have the inclination to focus on others and behave as they think they want them to behave.

Assuming that this is the case, even when they are around others, they are likely to feel disconnected and lonely. Thus, being around others, while hiding themselves, will be better than nothing, but it won’t be the same as it would be if they were to freely express themselves and fully show up.

A Different Reality

Now, if they were to imagine that they live a life where they don’t spend as much time by themselves and freely express themselves, they can feel alive, free and relieved. Nonetheless, after a while, they could feel anxious and fearful, and have the need to go back to how they were before.

It can be as though something bad will happen if they don’t, and it will be too much for them to handle. By behaving in the same way then, they will be able to keep it together and function.

In The Past

If they were to look back on their life, they may see that they have had certain experiences that have caused them to feel overwhelmed. For example, they might have had a breakup, lost a loved one, been attacked, and/or been in an abusive relationship.

Irrespective of what they have been through that was too much for them to handle, shortly after, they might have become even more withdrawn and found it even harder to show up around others. At this point, they might see themselves as weak and as though they are incapable.

A Closer Look

Yet, during these moments, they will have simply done their best to ensure that they were not taken out by what happened and were able to survive. They would then have done the right thing by behaving in this way.

The big question is: why did these experiences have such a big impact on them, and why didn’t they reach out for support? The answer to both of these questions may be found by taking a closer look at their early years.

Back In Time

This may have been a stage of their life when they were regularly traumatised. Their mother and perhaps their mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

Instead of receiving the attunement, care, affection and support that they needed, they would have often been ignored, rejected, abandoned and smothered. Consequently, feeling as if they were going to die would have been a normal part of this stage of their life.

One Option

To make sure that they were not overwhelmed by what happened and their life didn’t come to an end, their brain would have repressed the pain that they were in and the needs that were not being met. This would have involved them losing touch with their disembodied, connected and fully feeling true self.

In other words, to ensure that they survived, their system would have stopped them from having access to all of their consciousness and caused them to live on the surface of themselves. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to see their needs and feelings as bad, and seen themselves as worthless and unlovable.

It’s over

Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but as they will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the needs that were not met, it won’t be possible for them to inhabit their body and access all of their consciousness. It also won’t take a lot for them to feel overwhelmed, either, as their system will already be struggling to contain the pain that they are carrying and doing what it can to prevent it from entering their conscious awareness.

But thanks to how they came to see their needs and feelings, when they do feel overwhelmed, it will be normal for them to pull away from others. Not being around others will also minimise the stimulation that they experience.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, they are not weak or incapable; they are simply doing their best to not fall apart. For them to be able to gradually get back into their body, access all of their consciousness, freely express themselves, feel comfortable with their needs and feelings, and embrace their inherent worth and lovability, they will have a number of steps to take.

They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk