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If someone were to take a step back and reflect on their life, what they might see is that it doesn’t matter what they do, as they don’t feel as though they have done enough or are good enough. Thanks to this, they are likely to spend a lot of time doing and giving, but very little time being and receiving.
Living in this way is likely to take a lot out of them, and they could often feel angry, frustrated and exhausted. As a result of what they typically go through, a big part of them could be ready or close to giving up. A Closer Look If they were to look at their life, they can see that, over the years, they have worked hard in a number of different areas. But, no matter how hard they have worked, they don’t have a strong sense that they deserve to have their needs met. Therefore, even if they do receive what they desire and have worked hard for, they probably won’t be able to truly accept it. So, they could end up consciously and unconsciously doing what they can to change their life back to how it was. One Area For example, they might have met someone who they were attracted to and started dating, only to push the other person away before long. They might have cheated on them or not shown them the level of love and care that they should have. This might have only happened once, or it might have taken place on a number of occasions. Either way, they can look back at what happened and be full of anger, confusion and regret. Another Area Additionally, they might have moved forward in their career, only to go back to the level that they were at before long. For example, they might have started to become careless and not perform as well as they had before. As with the previous example, this might have happened once, or it might have taken place on a number of occasions. And either way, they can look back at what happened and be full of anger, confusion and regret. External Support If they were to speak to at least one trusted friend about what is going on for them, this friend might be very understanding and supportive. They might make it clear that they are enough and are good enough to have their needs met. After this, they might begin to wonder why they have this view and find it hard to accept that they simply deserve to have their needs met. Nonetheless, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually realise why they are this way. Back In Time This may have been a time when they were brought up by a mother and perhaps a father who were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Furthermore, one or both of them might have often been critical. The outcome of this is that they would have missed out on the attunement, care and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Most likely, their parents had also been deprived and wounded during their formative years, which means that they were unable to provide them with the love that they needed. A Big Impact To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded at this stage of their life, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that the reason their needs were not being met was because they were not enough or good enough, and were worthless and unlovable. Also, by personalising what happened and seeing themselves as bad and their mother and father as good, it would have given them the hope that, if they became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, they would be loved. But as their mother and father couldn’t give them what they needed, it would have mattered who they became or what they did. Another Purpose Even so, this false hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for them to keep it together and function. What happened at this stage of their life will now be over, of course, but thanks to the impact it had on them, it won’t be fully behind them. They will have the view of themselves as not being enough or good enough and as being worthless and unlovable, and they will still be trying to earn their parents' love. These two elements will need to be addressed for them to move forward. Moving Forward The truth is that they are enough and good enough, and they are worthy and lovable. For them to accept this, they will have beliefs to question, and they can take the time to imagine that they live a life where this is true. For them to end their struggle for their parents' love, they will have pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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