Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have A Selfless False Self If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they might see is that they have the inclination to act as though they are here to serve others. What can then be normal is for them to both focus on others and do what they can to meet their needs.

Now, this can mean that they will often be doing things for others, but it might not always be this black and white. Instead, they might simply spend a lot of time listening to and managing other people’s emotions.

A Lot to handle

As a result of this, they are going to direct a lot of their time and energy toward others. The outcome of this is that they are typically going to ignore a number of their own needs, and they can spend a lot of time feeling drained.
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However, although living in this way is not going to serve them, it can be what feels comfortable. Additionally, to a big part of them, this can be seen as the right way for them to behave.

Resistance

So, if they were to change their behaviour and say no, for example, when they were asked to do something, they could soon experience anxiety and feel guilty. Due to this, they are likely to soon go back to behaving in the same way.

What can also play a part in it being hard for them to change their behaviour is that they could often be told that they are a ‘good’ person and that the world would be better if more people were selfless like them. This feedback will strengthen the view that part of them has that they are behaving in the right way.

Self-Neglect

But, after seeing that living in this way is causing them abandon themselves and to be deprived in the process, they can wonder why this feels comfortable and is seen as the right way for them to behave. What can enter their mind is that behaving in this way should feel uncomfortable and be seen as the wrong way for them to behave.

If this were the case, they would be there for themselves, as well as being there for others, and they wouldn’t feel bad about it. Yet, as confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

Back In Time

From a very young age, one or both of their parents might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If so, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to attach to and bond with one or both of their parents.

Furthermore, one or both of them might have looked toward them to be there for them. Instead of being able to be a child and receive, they would have had to act like a parent and give.

The outcome

Thus, when they did express their needs, being criticised, ignored, rejected and abandoned would have been the norm. Consequently, over time, they would have learnt that they would only survive by being there for others and that their needs and feelings were bad.

In addition to this, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected and fully feeling true self, and developed a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Adapting in this way would have been a way for them to handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

A Futile Struggle

What would have also helped them to handle this stage of their life was the hope that, by becoming who their parents wanted and doing what they wanted, they would be loved. This would have served as a secondary defence that aided in repression and allowed them to release tension.

Nonetheless, as one or both of their parents were probably unable to provide them with what they needed to grow and develop in the right way, it wouldn’t have mattered who they became or what they did. This stage of their life will now be over, of course, but due to how they adapted and what part of them is still trying to receive, a big part of them won’t realise this.

It’s over

For their life to slowly change, they will need to feel comfortable being there for themselves and see this as the right thing for them to do, to reconnect to their body and no longer look for the love that they missed out on. For this to take place, they will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk