Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have A Withdrawn True Self If They Had A Narcissistic Parent?

Even though someone is a separate human being who has their own needs, feelings and preferences, it doesn’t mean that they will typically come across in this way. In general, they can come across as though they are merely an extension of others.

Assuming that this is the case, when they are around others, they will focus on their needs and do what they can to meet them. This can mean that the people in their life see them as selfless and enjoy being around them.

A Caregiver

But, as their attention will be on them and they won’t ask for or expect much, this is not going to be a surprise. The people in their life are then going to be able to be the centre of attention and won’t be overshadowed.

However, although the people in their life will feel nourished by their presence, they will be deprived. Of course, for them to be able to be nourished by others, they will need to express their needs.

It’s Automatic

If they were to become aware of how they rarely show up when they are around others and have the inclination to hide their needs, they can wonder why they are this way. They can find that they don’t choose to be this way; this is just what happens.

And, if they were to look back on their life, they may see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember. What might then enter their mind is that they were simply born this way.

A Closer Look

Still, if they were to imagine living life differently and no longer hiding themselves, they might gradually find out what is causing them to behave in this way. So, if they were to imagine that when they are around their friends, they stay connected to what is going on for them and freely express themselves, they can feel anxious and fearful.

After staying with this fear and anxiety, they can find that they expect to be criticised, humiliated, rejected and even left. Not hiding themselves and focusing on others is then going to be seen as something that is a threat to their survival.

A Big Risk

As they believe that they have so much to lose by freely expressing themselves, it is to be expected that they would hide themselves. This will be seen as the only way for them to ensure that they don’t suffer and their life doesn’t come to an end.

At this point, it could be said that what is going on for them is irrational, as it is unlikely that their life would end if they freely expressed themselves. Of course, not everyone is going to respond well to them or meet some of their needs, but that’s life.

A Big Difference

Even so, their life will continue, and there will be people who do respond well to them and meet some of their needs. With this in mind, they can wonder why they have such an irrational view when it comes to freely expressing themselves.

Yet, if they were able to go back to their childhood years and observe what it was like, they might realise why they are this way. This may have been a time when their mother or father was largely anything but nurturing.

A Brutal Time

In addition to this parent being emotionally unavailable and out of reach, they might have often been critical and cruel. Therefore, they wouldn’t have been able to emotionally attach to them and they would have often been pulled apart by them.

To handle the lack of warmth that was on offer and protect themselves from their parent’s attacks, they would have lost touch with their connected true self and formed a disconnected and outer-directed false self. This wouldn’t have stopped them from being deprived or hurt, but it would have stopped them from being consciously aware of how deprived they were and the hurt that was being done to them.

Another Element

Also, by being focused on this parent, it would have made it easier for them to please them and be more prepared for when they were attacked. Most likely, their parent was deeply wounded and wasn’t able to love them.

The trouble is that, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. They would then have believed that they were being treated this way because they were worthless and unlovable.

Moving Forward

For them to be able to reconnect to their connected and embodied true self and freely express themselves, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk