Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have An Outer-Directed False Self If They Had A Narcissistic Mother?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they might see is that they have the tendency to focus on others and do what they can to please them. This can be something that just takes place without them having to think about it.

So, when they are around another person, they will focus on their needs and lose touch with their own. This can mean that other people will typically describe them as being very empathetic and even needless.

Another part

And, if they are in a relationship, they can behave in the same way when they are around their partner. As a result of this, they are seldom going to be aware of a number of their own needs, let alone be able to meet them.

The outcome of this is that they are likely to spend a lot of time feeling drained, and it might often be a challenge for them to get out of bed. But, as they will give most of their time and energy to others and receive very little in return, this is to be expected.

It’s Clear

What can enter their mind is that while having the ability to attune to others' needs and to be there for them is something that is important to them, they are not a caregiver. Ultimately, this will simply be a role that they play; it is not who they are.

Due to this, they will also need to stay connected to their own feelings and needs, so that they don’t overextend themselves. Moreover, this will allow them to express their needs so that they are able to receive what they need to be able to not just survive, but thrive.

The First Step

After thinking about this, they can wonder why they are so caught up in what is going on for others and so out of touch with what is going on for themselves. They might see that for them to live a life that is worth living, they need to act like an individual as opposed to an extension of others.

For them to gain a deeper understanding of why they are this way, they can imagine that they live a life where they are able to attune to what is going on for others and be there for them, but they don’t lose themselves in others and act like a parental figure.  At first, they can feel relieved, empowered and alive.

The Next Step

However, after a while, they can experience fear and anxiety, and have the need to go back to how they were before. Once they do, they can feel settled again, and even have the sense that they are behaving in the right way.

If this is what takes place, they can wonder why ignoring themselves and focusing on others is what feels safe and right. But, as strange as this may appear, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might soon make sense.

Back In Time

At this stage of their life, they may have had a mother who was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, she may have treated them as though they were merely an extension of herself.

It was then not that she was there to adapt to them and meet their needs; no, it was that they were there to adapt to her and meet her needs. They would then have missed out on the attunement and care that they needed from the moment they were born or as the years passed, and been forced to meet a number of her needs.

A Brutal Time

If they expressed their needs and didn’t act like an extension of her, she is likely to have punished them in some way. For example, she may have shown a disapproving look, told them off, ignored them or left them.

This would have conditioned them to associate self-expression with a loss of love and being left. To handle being greatly deprived and deeply wounded and avoid being left, they would have been forced to lose touch with their connected true self and develop a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

The Other Side

Most likely, she had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years. This would have caused her to lose touch with her connected and feeling true self and develop a disconnected, unfeeling and inflated false self.

She was then an adult, but she hadn’t moved beyond the toddler stage of her development. This is why it wouldn’t have occurred to her that her child had their own needs and feelings and wasn’t an object that was there to meet her needs.

A Big Impact

Anyway, as this stage of their life is over, they will no longer be a powerless and dependent child, of course, but as they didn’t receive the attunement and care that they needed to stay connected to their body or develop a strong sense of self, and were conditioned to focus on their mother, it is to be expected that behaving in this way will feel comfortable. They will be in a disconnected state and developmentally stunted, so they won’t just be able to change their behaviour.

With this in mind, for their life to change, they will have conditioning to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk