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What can be normal is for someone to spend a lot of time feeling empty and as though they are missing something. Along with this, they can often feel invisible and question if they even exist.
As a result, they are not going to feel whole and complete and know that other people can see them and they do exist. Now, if they were to become aware of what is going on, they could wonder why their life is this way. One Conclusion What could enter their mind is that they were merely born this way and that there is very little that they can do to change their life. But, if this is an experience that they have had for as long as they can remember, this is not going to be a surprise. Thanks to how they experience life, their life is not going to be very fulfilling; they can spend a lot of time feeling frustrated, angry, helpless and hopeless, and they might even have moments when they think about calling it a day. One Area Due to how they experience life, their relationships are unlikely to be very fulfilling. If they have a number of friends and are in an intimate relationship, their experience can be the same. So, when they are around these people, they can be used to not being seen or heard and be more like a member of an audience than their equal. If so, they will be used to doing most of the listening and few, if any, of their needs will be met. Out of Balance What they can find is that, when they are around these people, as well as others, they typically hide their needs and act as though they are an extension of them. They are then not going to be a separate being who has their own needs, feelings and life to lead; no, they will be there to provide others with what they need and elevate their life. The outcome of this is that instead of them feeling uplifted after they have spent time around another, they are likely to feel drained. They can then need to spend a fair amount of time by themselves to recharge, but this can be a time when they usually feel incredibly lonely. An Invisible Prison However, if they were to think about behaving differently and expressing their needs around others, they could be filled with anxiety and even fear. This will then be a time when they are fully showing up and are acting like an individual as opposed to an extension of others, and will be doing the right thing, but it won’t feel this way. Instead, it will be as if they are doing something that is wrong and need to go back to how they were in order to feel safe. Not going back to how they were is likely to be seen as something that will cause them to be rejected and left. Two Options Taking this into account, they can either hide themselves around others and be accepted, or they can express themselves and will most likely end up being rejected and ignored by others. They can also have the sense that if they fully show up and freely express themselves, they will be put down and humiliated. The first option will stop them from being isolated, but as they won’t be seen and heard, they will still feel emotionally malnourished; but the second option will be far worse. How they are behaving is not going to serve them, but it will be seen as far better than the alternative. What’s going on? As normal as this will be, the big question is: why don’t they have a strong sense of themselves and feel comfortable freely expressing themselves? Furthermore, why don’t they expect other people to not only see and hear them but also to support them? As confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe how their mother treated them, it might soon make sense. This may have been a time when their mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. A Brutal Time Additionally, she may have been unable to accept that they were a separate being who had their own needs, feelings and life to lead. Consequently, she would have largely seen them as an extension of herself and as being there to meet her needs. The outcome of this is that they would have largely missed out on the attunement and care that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Their mother, due to being developmentally stunted, wasn’t able to provide them with the love that they needed to gradually form a strong sense of self. One Option A time when they needed to receive was then a time when they were forced to give, causing them to stay in a developmentally stunted state. If they did express their needs, they were likely to have been ignored, criticised, humiliated, rejected and/or left. They would have soon learnt that it wasn’t safe for them to express themselves, and as they were egocentric, they would have believed that their needs and feelings were bad. To handle the lack of love that was available, they would have lost touch with their connected, true self and developed a disconnected and outer-directed, false self. Self-Alienation This would have meant that a number of their needs and feelings were repressed. Adapting in this way wouldn’t have changed what was going on externally, of course, but it would have stopped them from being consciously aware of the pain that they were in and to be able to keep it together and function. As they are now an adult, this stage of their life will be well and truly behind them, but as they were not given what they needed, they will still be in a developmentally stunted state. A big part of them will also still be trying to receive the love that they missed out on. Moving Forward But, as this stage of their life is over, it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on. For them to move on from what happened and form a strong sense of themselves and be able to freely express themselves, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 28 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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