Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have In Inner Masochist If They Had A Sadistic Parent?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what might end up standing out is that they are often in situations where they suffer. So, they might have been in a number of relationships that were abusive.

This may have been a time when they were often put down and treated like dirt, and they may have been physically harmed, too. But while this was the case, they simply put up with what was going on.

Self-Neglect

Along with this, they can see that they often say yes when they should say no. The outcome of this is that they will be used to putting other needs first and ignoring their own, which causes them to be deprived.

Due to this, they can find that they are used to experiencing resentment but that they seldom, if ever, allow themselves to express how they feel. As a result, they might see that they often come across as passive-aggressive.

Another Part

They might also see that when they are in pain, are unwell, or can’t do something, they seldom reach out for help or support. Instead, they just put up with it and, at times, they struggle to change it.

What might then stand out is that they have the tendency to endure hardship. They may even see that living in this way causes them to experience pride and is seen as something that makes them a good person.

A Strange Scenario

After thinking about this, what can be clear is that even though experiencing life in this way is causing them to suffer, it is what feels comfortable. They are then not going to be their own best friend; they will be their own worst enemy.

After seeing this, what might enter their mind is that there is something inherently wrong with them and that they are ‘messed up’. But, as part of them will feel comfortable with and enjoy suffering, it is to be expected that they would come to this conclusion.

A Closer Look

However, if they do come to this conclusion, it doesn’t mean that there is anything inherently wrong with them or that they are ‘messed up’. What it can show is that their early years were anything but nurturing, and they internalised their mother or father.

During this stage of their life, their mother or father might have often been emotionally unavailable and out of reach and cruel. Therefore, they wouldn’t have received the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed.

A Brutal Time

Not being seen or heard, rejected, put down, humiliated and even physically harmed would have been normal. This person would then have been their parent, but it would have been as if they were their enemy.

As opposed to experiencing satisfaction by treating them well and building them up, they would have experienced satisfaction by treating them badly and undermining them. Most likely, this parent partly treated them in this way to help them manage the suffering that they were experiencing due to their own aggression being directed toward themselves.   

The outcome

Anyway, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable. This would have given them the sense that they deserved to be punished and to suffer.

Over time, how this parent behaved would have been internalised, and they would have started to treat themselves in the same way. Not only would this have felt comfortable, but it would have also been a way for them to maintain their connection to this parent.

The Priority

As they were powerless and dependent, they needed to stay connected to this parent and be loved by them. So, by treating themselves in the same way as their parent did, they would have hoped that this would stop them from being treated badly by them, being rejected and abandoned and shown some warmth.

It would have been a case of: look, I’m punishing myself so you don’t have to, and as I’m already doing this, hopefully you won’t leave me and will love me. This hope, along with how they felt and a number of their needs, being automatically repressed by their brain, would have also been a way for them to keep it together and function.

It was Futile

But even though their struggle to be loved was of no use, as they were likely to have been helpless and hopeless, it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but thanks to how they adapted, and the pain and the unmet developmental needs that they are carrying, it won’t matter.

The part of their psyche that punishes them by directing their aggression toward them will be doing this to ensure that they stay connected to their parent, are not harmed and are loved. This part of them won’t realise that, as they are no longer a child, they are no longer dependent on them, are not powerless and don’t need their love.

Moving Forward

Furthermore, the parent they will be trying to please will be the one that exists inside them. With this in mind, for them to emotionally separate from their inner parent, no longer be undermined by their own aggression and reconnect to their own worth and lovability, among other things, they will have a number of steps to take.

They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience, and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk