Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have The Need To Adapt To Others If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

At this point in time, someone could be in a relationship with someone who is not right for them. But, although this is the case, they can have a strong need to stay with them.

What they can also find is that when they are with their partner, they have the inclination to lose themselves. They can then be who they want them to be and do what they can to please them.

Deeply uncomfortable

When they think about ending the relationship, they can be filled with anxiety and fear. If this is the case, they can wonder why they feel so uncomfortable when they think about leaving someone who is not right for them and who they hide themselves around.

What can enter their mind is that there must be something inherently wrong with them or are missing something. After this, they could look back on their life and see that this is not the first time that they have ended up in this position.

A Pattern

For example, they might see that when they were in their last relationship, they were also with someone who wasn’t right for them and lost themselves, but they found it hard to leave them. It might have been a number of months or years before they finally cut their ties with them.

And, when they did leave them, it might have only been because they had found someone else, the person they are with, to be with. What this would have done is stop them from coming into contact with this fear and anxiety.

Further Back

They might have only been in one other relationship that was like this; then again, they might have been in this position at least twice before. Alternatively, they could see that just about every relationship they have had has been like this and that, each time a relationship ended, they were soon with another person.

Additionally, they could see that a number of their friendships are also like this. As a result of this, they are seldom, if ever, going to be themselves and freely express who they are.

A Bleak Existence

For them to live a life that is worth living, they are going to need to feel comfortable being themselves and freely expressing who they are. As, all the time that they are who others want them to be and do what they want, they will be abandoning themselves and their true essence won’t see the light of day.

What’s going on?

The outcome of this is that a number of their needs won’t be met, and they will be deprived. Now, while they can believe that there is something inherently wrong with them or that they are missing something, it is unlikely that either of these things is true.

Instead, what took place during their formative years and the impact this stage of their life had on them is likely to be the reason why they are this way. This is likely to have been a stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Back In Time

Throughout their early years, their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If so, this would have caused them to miss out on the attunement and care that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

To handle not being touched or held when they needed to be and left when they needed attention, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their connected true self and developing a disconnected and outer-directed false self.

One option

Losing touch with themselves and focusing on them, in addition to becoming who they wanted them to be and doing what they wanted them to do, would have been a way for them to try to avoid being left and a way to try to receive the love that they needed. However, as their mother and perhaps their father’s behaviour is likely to have had very little to do with them or how they behaved, adapting in this way wouldn’t have allowed them to receive the love that they needed.

Even so, it probably minimised the harm that was done to them, and it would have given them the hope that their life would change. This hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for them to keep it together and function.

Frozen In Time

Needless to say, this stage of their life is over, but thanks to the associates that their system formed and the pain that they are carrying, they won’t know this. Their system will associate surviving with hiding themselves and being who others want them to be, and doing what they want them to do.

Not behaving in this way will activate these associations, causing them to feel anxious and fearful as their life will be seen as being under threat. The repressed pain inside them will help to keep these associations in place, making what did happen to them – so being left and having the experience of dying without dying - seem like something that will happen.

Moving Forward

For them to be able to freely express themselves, they are going to have pain to face and process and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk