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Although someone has a wide range of feelings, it doesn’t mean that they will come across in this way. Instead, they can typically come across as though they only experience a few feelings or only positive feelings.
So, they can have the inclination to come across as though everything is fine and that they have it all together. Thanks to this, some of the people in their life could see them as being strong, and they might even admire them. A lot to carry However, assuming that this is how they experience life, they are likely to often feel unsupported and lonely. The reason for this is that in order for them to feel supported and connected, they will need to be authentic around others. In other words, they will need to drop their act and express how they feel. By doing this, it will be possible for them to meet the needs that are not being met. A Time and a place This is not to say that they need to be open about how they feel to just anyone, as this is unlikely to be a good idea. What it means is that when they are around a trusted friend or trusted family member, they open up and express how they feel. When this happens, a trusted friend will listen to what they have to say and show their support. Not only will this allow them to feel seen and heard, but their friend will be able to feel close to them. The Other Side For them to understand this, that’s if they don’t already, they can imagine that they have a friend who always makes out that they are fine. Most likely, they won’t feel overly close to them, as they won’t feel like they truly know them. Yet, if this friend started to open up, it would have a positive impact on their friend’s wellbeing, and it would enable them to get to know their friend better. It is then clear to see how beneficial it is for them and others to be real. The Next Step After thinking about this, they can wonder why they have the need to put on an act and hide how they feel. For them to gain a deeper understanding of why they are this way, they can imagine that they live a life where they don’t put on an act and open up to the people in their life, at the very least. During this time, they could feel free, alive, and powerful, and experience a deep sense of relief. Before long, though, their inner world could start to change. The next Stage If so, this can be a time when they will feel anxious and fearful, and have the need to go back to how they were before. What this will show is that behaving in this way doesn’t feel safe. At this point, they can wonder why they feel so uncomfortable when they open up and express how they feel. If they were to stay with the anxiety and fear that they experience, what they can find is that they expect to be criticised, humiliated, rejected and abandoned. A Strange Scenario After coming to see this, they can believe that there is no reason for them to be this way. Nonetheless, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually come to see why they are this way. This may have been a time when their mother or father was generally anything but safe to be around. When they were around this parent, they might have often felt as though they were a walking target. A Brutal Time Being put down, humiliated, rejected and left would then have been normal when they were around this parent. Therefore, instead of being able to relax when they were at home or at this parent’s home, they had to hide how they felt and keep their guard up. This wouldn’t have stopped what happened, of course, but it probably would have stopped them from being harmed as much, and it would have stopped them from being consciously aware of the pain they were in. A stage of their life when they needed to be open and receive, to grow and develop in the right way, was a time when they had to armour up and do the best that they could to survive. No Choice If they were not powerless and dependent, they would have been able to change what was going on or leave and find another family. But as this wasn’t an option, they simply had to adapt to a deeply dysfunctional environment. This would have involved them losing touch with their connected true self and forming a disconnected and outer-directed false self. The pain that they experienced and the developmental needs that were not met would then have been repressed. The Truth Most likely, this parent was a deeply wounded human being who was unconsciously holding them accountable for the harm that their parent or parents did to them. They were then not mistreated because they were worthless or unlovable, but because their parent was not in a position to provide them with the love that they needed. As for their other parent, if they were around, they might have been beaten down and unable to protect themselves, let alone their child. Thus, what happened wasn’t their fault or a reflection of their worth or lovability. Moving Forward For them to move forward, they are going to have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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