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If someone were to take a step back and reflect on how they behave, what they may see is that they often stay in the background. It might not matter if they are at work, with friends or family, as the same thing can take place.
So, when they are around others, they can focus on them and not say much. The outcome of this is that a number of their own needs are going to be overlooked, which will cause them to be deprived. An Analogy It can be as though they are in the audience and other people are on a stage, or that they are spectators watching other people play a sport. And, as they are largely on the sidelines, so to speak, their life is not going to be very fulfilling. Naturally, for this to change, they will need to move out of the shadows and allow themselves to be seen and heard on a regular basis. As things stand, it can be normal for them to feel ignored, invisible and as though they don’t even exist. What’s going on? However, as depriving as it will be for them to live in this way, there is a chance that this is what feels safe. If, then, they were to imagine living life differently, they could soon feel uncomfortable. They can imagine that they live a life where they freely express themselves and are regularly seen and heard, and at first, they can feel powerful and alive, relieved and grateful. But over time, they can feel anxious and fearful, and have the need to go back to how they were before. A Closer Look If this is what takes place, they can wonder why they are this way. They might soon conclude that there is no reason for them to be this way, and that how they behave is ‘irrational’. Nonetheless, as strange as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense. This is because this might have been a stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Back In Time One or both of their parents might have been anything but nurturing, in general, and been more like their enemy than someone who was, in theory, supposed to build them up. Being put down and humiliated would then have been the norm, not the exception. If it were one parent, this parent might have pulled them apart when they were at home and when they were around others. And it might not have mattered how hurt or sad they were, as this parent might not have really been impacted by how their child responded to their relentless harm. One option Now, as they were powerless and dependent, it wouldn’t have been possible for them to do anything about what was going on or to leave and find a family that could love them. Their only option was to disconnect from their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. They wouldn’t have chosen to adapt in this way; it would have taken place automatically. Self-Protection Not having a strong connection with their needs and feelings would have made it easier for them to handle being mistreated. Furthermore, focusing on and doing what they could to please this parent would have been a way for them to minimise the harm that was done. They would have also lived in the hope that, if they could please this parent, they would stop being cruel and would love them. Nonetheless, it probably wouldn’t have mattered what they did, as this parent was likely to have been a deeply wounded human being who couldn’t love them. A Key Element Even so, this false hope and the struggle that ensued would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. There would have also been what they came to believe about themselves and the associations that they formed around being seen. When it comes to the former, they are likely to have believed that they were worthless and unlovable and that their needs and feelings were bad. As for the latter, they can associate being seen with something that will cause them to be rejected, humiliated and annihilated. Moving Forward With this in mind, for them to change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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