Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have The Need To Suffer If They Had A Depressed Mother?

If someone were to reflect on their life, what they may see is that they find it hard to move forward. So, they might have been in a number of relationships that were going well, only for them to have come to an end before long.

Additionally, they might see that they have done well in their career and made a lot of progress, only for them to end up where they started or close to it. At this point, they might believe that something or someone ‘out there’ is doing what it can to keep them down.

One Scenario

But if they have risen up and fallen back down on so many occasions, this is to be expected. They are going to want to grow and expand, not stay at the same level forever.

Therefore, what keeps taking place in their life is naturally going to be seen as something that is out of their control. However, what if their life is not this way because of what is going on ‘out here’; it is due to what is going on inside them?

Resistance

After hearing this, they can dismiss what is said and believe that they are being blamed for something that has nothing to do with them. But as experiencing life in this way is causing them to suffer, this makes sense.

Yet, if they were to think about how they felt when an area or a number of areas of their life were going well, they might start to see that there is more to this than they are aware of. What they may find is that during this time, they started to feel very uncomfortable.

Inner Conflict

This is not to say that they didn’t have moments when they felt good, but that this discomfort might have overshadowed the positive feelings that they did experience. They might also see how this discomfort caused them to behave in self-destructive ways.

If they were to sit with this discomfort, what might enter their mind is that they felt guilty and anxious. Once an area, or a number of areas, went back to how it was before, though, they might see that they were able to settle down.

The Key Realisation

From this, they might see that they feel comfortable when they are suffering and are not happy, and are uncomfortable when they are not suffering and are happy. Thus, when an area or an area of their life is going well, a part of them is going to do what it can to ensure that their life goes back to how it was.

After becoming aware of this, they can wonder why part of them only feels comfortable and even good when their life is not going well, and they are suffering mentally and emotionally. As confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

Back In Time

During this stage of their life, their mother might have typically been depressed and emotionally unavailable. If so, they would have had the need to blend with her emotional state and rarely, if ever, allowed themselves to experience, let alone express, positive feelings.

This would have been a way for them to stay connected to her, to try to please her and to try to be loved by her. What she was going through may have partly, if not fully, been a consequence of what she experienced as a child and the impact it had on her.

It wasn’t personal

Nonetheless, as they would have been egocentric, they would have believed that they were at fault for how their mother was. A protector part of their psyche would then have formed, to ensure that they behaved in a certain way.

As they were powerless and dependent, staying connected to their mother and not being rejected or abandoned by her was essential. Being as unhappy as she was would have also been a way for them to be seen as good.

The Same Experience

Many years will have passed since then, but this protector part won’t realise that they no longer need to suffer like their mother did in order for them to survive and be a good person. As a result, it will do what it can to make sure that they sabotage good things and continue to suffer.

This part is not doing this to punish them; it is doing this to make sure that they stay connected to her and survive. The mother that they will be trying to stay connected to and please will most likely be the mother that exists inside them, as opposed to their external mother; that’s if their mother is still alive.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for them to gradually change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk