Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have The Tendency To Experience Self-Pity If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

If someone were to step back and reflect on how they often feel, they can find that they have the inclination to feel sorry for themselves. When this takes place, they can have thoughts that relate to them being a victim and life not being fair.

They can see that, once they go into this inner state, it takes a while for them to get themselves out of it. Not only this, but they can see that experiencing life in this way is not serving them.

A Prisoner

The reason for this is that when they go into this inner state, they will feel helpless and hopeless. Along with this, they might think about how one person or a number of people are against them and are holding them back.

Or, they could just think about how the world is against them and is doing what it can to ensure that their life doesn’t change. Naturally, when this happens, they are not going to have the desire to take action, let alone be able to source the inner strength that they need to do so.

External Feedback

If they were to talk to someone about this, they could be told that they have what it takes to change their life and that the world is not against them. After this, they could be encouraged to change what they believe and replace the negative thoughts that arise whenever they go into this inner state.

This is because what is going on in their mind can be seen as what is defining how they feel. Therefore, by changing what is going on up top, they will be able to change what is going on down below.

The Next Stage

After applying what they have learnt, they may find that they spend less time feeling sorry for themselves. Not only this, but they find that their life gradually starts to change, and they are able to see that they are not powerless.

Then again, after applying what they have learnt for a while, they may find that their inner world doesn’t really change. Instead, it is as though they are trying to deny how they really feel.

What’s going on?

Assuming that this is what takes place, they can conclude that they just need to keep questioning what they believe and changing their negative thoughts. But even if they were to continue to do the same thing, it doesn’t mean that their life would change.

After not being able to make much progress, they could end up blaming themselves. They could see this as another example of them being caught up in feeling sorry for themselves and not wanting to move forward.

Another Angle

However, although it can seem as though what is going on in their mind is the issue and they are choosing to hold themselves back, what if there is more to it? What if what is going on in their mind is merely an effect of what is going on for them at a deeper level, and they are not consciously choosing to be this way?

At this point, they can wonder what the cause is and why part of them would want to experience life in this way. As confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

Back In Time

This may have been a time when their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. If so, this would have been a time when they missed out on the attunement, care, affection, support and love that they needed.

This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Being invalidated, ignored, rejected, and abandoned would have been a normal part of their childhood.

 A Natural Outcome

To handle what happened, they would have lost touch with their connected and feeling true self and developed a disconnected and unfeeling false self. Still, this wouldn’t have stopped them from feeling down and sorry for themselves.

Along with this, as their mother and perhaps their father were typically not responsive to their needs, they would have come to believe that they were powerless. And as they were egocentric, they would have believed that their needs and feelings were bad, and they were worthless and unlovable.

Its over

Now, this stage of their life will be over, of course, but thanks to the impact it had on them and what they came to believe, they won’t know this. At an emotional level, they will be looking for the attunement and care that they missed out on.

This is because the wounded parts of them are blind and don’t have a sense of time, which is why they can’t see that this stage of their life is over and that it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on. It will now be up to them to connect to these wounded parts and provide them with the attunement and care that they missed out on.

Moving Forward

In addition to questioning what they believe, then, they will be feeling the feelings and crying out the pain that these parts are carrying, and experience their unmet developmental needs. By undertaking this process, their need to receive the love that they missed out on will decrease, and this will allow them to become more integrated and to connect to their inner power.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. 

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk