Early Deprivation: Can Someone Have Unrealistic Relationship Expectations If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

Over the years, someone may have been in a number of relationships that were not very fulfilling. So, they might have gone in with high hopes at the beginning, only to end up feeling frustrated and angry as time passed.

If they have spoken to at least one trusted friend about this area of their life, they might have been told, in one way or another, that they will meet the right person sooner or later. Along with this, they might have said that it’s a good thing that they are not settling for second best.

Looking back

If they were to take the time to think about what has been missing in the relationships that they have had, a number of things might enter their mind. They can think about how the people they were with were not attentive enough, supportive enough or available enough, for instance.

What can enter their mind is how they want to be with someone who is aware of how they feel and their needs, is supportive no matter what, and is available whenever they need them. They can believe that they are being realistic by expecting this and are not asking for too much.

The Next part

Anyway, before long, they might start dating someone else and begin another relationship. In the beginning, the other person can be very attentive, supportive and often available.

After a number of months have passed or even a year, they are likely to find that the other person starts to change. One way of looking at this would be to say that this is because the "honeymoon phase" will be coming to an end, if not come to an end.

Time for A change

As a result of this, what can enter their mind is that they are with the wrong person and need to find someone else. But if how things were is how they want things to always be, this is to be expected.

Thanks to what they expect from a relationship, the experience that they typically have at the beginning of a relationship will be the only situation that they will accept. And, even this situation might not be at the level that they desire.

External Feedback

If they do end the relationship and speak to a trusted friend or family member about this, they might be told that they did the right thing. Then again, they might be told that they expect too much.

This person could also say that the beginning of a relationship will have a level of intensity that settles as time passes, and that they are never going to meet anyone who is perfect. They could say that another person is an imperfect human being who has their own needs and feelings and life to lead; they are not a perfect god who exists to be aware of and meet their every need.

Confusion

After hearing this, they could feel angry and believe that their friend or family member is just being negative and has low expectations. Conversely, they could take the time to reflect on what they have said.

If they do, what can enter their mind is that, as this area of their life is not working, perhaps they are looking for too much and are not being realistic. They can wonder why they expect so much from another human being.

A Closer Look

As confusing as this is, there is a strong chance that they are unconsciously looking for the love that they missed out on during their formative years. The reason for this is that this may have been a stage of their life when they were greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

Their mother and perhaps their father might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach. The outcome of this is that they would have missed out on the attunement and care that they needed to grow and develop in the right way.

One option

To handle what happened, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. Another part of what allowed them to survive, as well as being a way for them to try to be loved, would have be for them to become who they wanted them to be and behave how they wanted them to behave.

Losing touch with their connected true self and developing a disconnected false self would have allowed them to keep it together and function, and it would have given them the hope that they would be loved. But, as their mother and perhaps their father were probably unable to provide them with the love that they needed, it wouldn’t have mattered how much they struggled for their love. Still, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that made it easier for them to cope.​

The Same Struggle

Many, many years will have passed since they were a powerless and dependent child who needed their parents' love, but a big part of them will still be looking for this love. This part of them will cause them to unconsciously project the mother and perhaps father that they needed but didn’t have into another person.

Due to this, a big part of them won’t be able to see another person as just another human being; they will see them in the same way that they saw their parents, as a god-like figure who can meet all of their needs. Of course, when they were an infant, toddler and a child, another adult, if they had been loved early on and were not weighed down with responsibilities, for instance, would have been able to give them what they needed.

Drawing the line

But, as their parent or parents were not in a position to give them what they needed, they didn’t grow out of the need for an attentive and loving parent who made them the centre of their world. Taking all this into account, for them to no longer have unrealistic expectations, they will need to face and process the pain that they experienced when their needs were not met all those years ago and experience these unmet developmental needs.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk