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If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, they may see that they are very good at tuning into and meeting the needs of others. However, even though this is so, they are not very good at connecting to and meeting their own needs.
As a result, they can have the inclination to ignore a number of their own needs and to be deprived. But although they will be out of balance, it doesn’t mean that the people in their life will realise this. External Feedback Over the years, they might have often been described as being selfless, thoughtful and caring. If this is so, they will know what it is like to receive positive feedback from others and to be appreciated. Some of the people in their life, though, might just take what they do for granted. Assuming this is so, some of them can become critical if they are not as accessible and helpful as they usually are. A Negative Reaction After they have been criticised by them, they could typically end up feeling anxious and guilty. If they do, they can end up apologising and offering to do something for them. When a friend or family member responds in this way, it will be clear that they can’t accept that they have their own life and are not an extension of them. It will be as if they are their parent and thus, should always be there for them. A Bleak Existence Now, as they are being deprived, they are likely to spend a lot of time feeling frustrated and drained. Furthermore, feeling lonely is likely to be something that is a normal part of their life. That is, of course, if they allow themselves to acknowledge how they feel. This is because, even if they do have a lot of people in their life, these people are not going to know who they really are. A Different Reality For them to experience life differently, they need to freely express themselves around others. Instead of being out of touch with their needs and feelings and acting as if they are an extension of others, they will need to express how they feel and their needs. When this takes place, they will be acknowledging another person’s feelings and meeting some of their needs, and another person will be doing the same for them. This is what will allow them to feel seen and heard and thereby to feel connected. Inner Conflict Nonetheless, while this is what they will want deep down, this might not be what feels comfortable. So, if they were to imagine living life in this way, at first, they could feel alive, free and powerful, and then, relieved and grateful. But after a little while, they could find that they feel very uncomfortable. And if they have felt anxious and guilty when they have asserted themselves, this is unlikely to be something that completely surprises them. What’s going on? After becoming aware of the conflict that is inside them, they can wonder why they are this way. If they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually realise why they are this way. This stage of their life may have been a time when their mother and perhaps father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Along with this, one or both of them might have looked toward them to meet some of their needs. A Brutal Time If they didn’t meet their needs, they might have been criticised, rejected, abandoned and even physically harmed. Due to them missing out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. The Message Moreover, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It wasn’t that their parents couldn’t provide them with what they needed; it was that their needs and feelings were bad, and they were worthless and unlovable. They would have also come to associate being accepted, connected and surviving, with being useful. Their existence was then dependent on them pleasing others, not on being themselves. The Truth Ultimately, thanks to what was going on for one or both of their parents, they couldn’t be there for them and meet all of their needs. As this stage of their life is over, it is no longer necessary for them to abandon themselves and to be useful to be accepted, connected and to survive. But as this stage of their life had an impact on every part of them, they won’t just be able to change their behaviour. There will be the impact it had on them at a mental, emotional and physical level. Moving Forward Taking all this into account, for them to change their life they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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