Early Deprivation: Can Someone Only Feel Safe When They Please Others If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, what they may see is that they spend a lot of time being focused on and doing what others want. They might see that it doesn’t matter if they are around friends, family or at work.

Thanks to how they live, they often feel ignored, frustrated, angry and helpless. But as it will be normal for them to overlook certain needs, this is to be expected.

Inner Conflict

However, if they were to imagine changing their behaviour, let alone changing it, they could gain a deeper understanding of why they are this way. So they could imagine freely expressing themselves around a friend or family member, but soon be overwhelmed by anxiety, with them having the need to go back to how they were before.

If they were to stay with their inner discomfort, it could be as though something bad would happen to them if they didn’t. Therefore, to settle down and protect themselves, they will have to go back to abandoning themselves and focusing on others.

Confusion

If this is what they were to experience, they can wonder why they can’t just be themselves and feel comfortable. They might see that unless this changes, they will continue to have the inclination to hide themselves.

Now, if they were to look back on their life, they may find that they didn’t used to be like this. Then again, they might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.

External Feedback

If they were to reach out to a trusted friend and tell them about what they are going through, they might be understanding and supportive. They could tell them that they don’t need to be this way and that if they stop focusing on others and trying to please them, they will be fine.

Additionally, they could say that, if they are disproved or rejected, their life is unlikely to come to an end. After having this conversation, they could feel grateful, and they might start to change their behaviour.

Another Scenario

Alternatively, they could feel grateful but find that they are unable to just change their behaviour. What might enter their mind at this point is that they are weak or incapable.

However, even if something like this doesn’t enter their mind, it doesn’t mean that it is the truth. Instead, there is a chance that they don’t have a felt sense of safety, which is why they need to please others in order to feel safe.

A natural outcome

If this weren't the case, they would probably be able to freely express themselves, as opposed to acting as if they were an extension of others. This sense of safety would give them the foundations that they need to be able to take the next step.

At this point, they could wonder why they don’t have a felt sense of safety. It might seem as though they were just born this way, with there being nothing that they can do about it.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, the reason why they don’t have a felt sense of safety can be due to what took place during their formative years and the impact it had on them. This may have been a stage of their life when they were not able to be themselves and be loved for who they were.

To be accepted and not rejected or abandoned, and even physically harmed, they might have had to do what their parent or parents wanted. This would have caused them to gradually lose touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed false self.

One option

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. Turning their back on themselves, focusing on their parents or parents and doing what they wanted, would have been seen as the only way for them to stay connected and survive.

A stage of their life when they needed to feel safe, supported and loved, so that they could grow and develop in the right way, was a time when they were not provided with the safety, support or love that they needed. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, but due to how they adapted, it won’t matter.

Moving Forward

For their life to gradually change, there will be a number of steps for them to take. There will be beliefs for them to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk