Early Deprivation: Can Someone Punish Themselves If They Had A Narcissistic Parent?

After having a good time and experiencing positive feelings, someone could think about how rarely this takes place. They could find that, in general, they just go through the motions in life and feel flat or experience negative feelings.

However, after a while, they could go back to living in the same way, with them forgetting about this experience. But, as how they experienced life was the exception as opposed to the rule, this won’t be a surprise.

The norm

What can be normal is for them to go to work, to see the odd friend and to watch TV, for instance. Then again, they might not have any friends and could either be at work or by themselves.

Now, when it comes to what they do for a living, they could do something that is fulfilling, or it could be soul-destroying. As for their friends, that’s if they have any, they could be supportive, or they could often be critical and treat them like they are nothing.

External Support

If they do have at least one good friend or a family member who cares about them, this person could speak to them about how they live their life. They could say that when it comes to how they live, it is as if they have done something wrong and are punishing themselves for it.

After this, they could say that they are not here to suffer and that they deserve to live a life that is fulfilling. Assuming that this takes place, after hearing this, they could say that they agree with what they say, but that they don’t know why they live like this.

An Exercise

If they were to imagine that they live a life that is fulfilling, so they have a job that is enriching, have close friends, often feel good and are perhaps in a loving relationship, they could be grateful and relieved. It could be as though they are finally living a life that is worth living.

Nonetheless, after a while, they could start to feel uncomfortable, with them having the need to go back to how their life was before. After this, they could wonder why this felt uncomfortable, as it is how they want to experience life.

A Closer Look

If they were to go into this discomfort, they could find that they feel unworthy of living life in this way. Living a life where they are not happy and suffer, on the other hand, can be what feels comfortable to a big part of them.

After becoming aware of this, they could think about something that they have done, that is so bad that they would need to suffer forever. They might see that they have made mistakes and not always treated others well, but that could be about as far as it goes.

A Strange Scenario

They might then conclude that there is no reason for them to feel this way. However, even if they do come to this conclusion, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually see why feeling bad feels comfortable and feeling good doesn’t.

This may have been a stage of their life when they had one parent who was generally anything but loving and supportive. Instead, this parent might have generally treated them as though they had no right to exist, were not wanted, were unlovable and had no value.

A Brutal Time

This is because they might have often put them down, blamed them for things that had nothing to do with them, ignored them, rejected them, abandoned them and even physically harmed them. The outcome of this is that they would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection, protection and support that they needed.

Most likely, this parent had been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years, and was unconsciously blaming their child for how they parent, or parents had treated them. How they treated them was then not a sign that they had no right to exist, or were worthless and unlovable.

Taken To Heart

The trouble is that, as they were egocentric and were not developed enough to see how wounded this parent was, they would have personalised how they were treated. Consequently, they would have come to see themselves as having no right to exist and being inherently worthless and unlovable.

To try to avoid being mistreated and to be loved, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self. In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self.

It was futile

They would have hope that, by becoming who this parent wanted and behaving how they wanted, they would be loved. But, as this parent probably couldn’t see their value or love them, it wouldn’t have mattered how they adapted.

Even so, this hope would have served as a secondary defence, as it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but the meaning that was made all those years ago will still be in place, along with them not being rooted in their body.

Moving Forward

Along with this, part of their psyche can ensure that they don’t allow themselves to feel good and live a fulfilling life, as this will be seen as something that will cause them to be put down, rejected, abandoned or harmed. This part, a part that is there to protect them, won’t realise that this stage of their life is over.

Taking all this into account, for them to change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

---

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article, as many others have.

• Join my Facebook Page.
• Follow me on Twitter.
• The books I have written.

Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk