Early Deprivation: Can Someone Sabotage Good Things If They Were Abused As A Child?

Recently, someone may have been in a relationship that was going in the right direction, but for some reason, they did something that caused it to come to an end. For example, they might have cheated on them or treated them badly.

Either way, they can wonder why they behave in such a destructive manner. Before long, they can think of another area of their life that was going well, but once again, they did something to mess it up.

Stepping back

Now, regardless of whether they were in a healthy relationship or have messed up other areas of their life, they can wonder why this keeps taking place. What might enter their mind is that there must be something inherently wrong with them.

If so, they can end up feeling very low, and the thought of ending their life might even cross their mind. After this, they might reach out to a trusted friend or family member and talk about what is going on for them.

External Feedback

Assuming that they do, this can be a time when this person is understanding and supportive. They might make it clear that there is nothing inherently wrong with them, and it is likely that they suffer from low self-esteem.

By not valuing themselves, they are going to consciously and unconsciously do what they can to ensure that they don’t allow themselves to live a fulfilling life. After hearing this, they could think about what has been said.

The Next Stage

What might soon enter their mind is that they don’t have the sense that they deserve to live a fulfilling life. Instead, what can feel comfortable is living a life where certain needs are not met, and they suffer.

If they were to look back on their life, they may see that this is how they have been for as long as they can remember. They might not be able to understand why they see themselves in this way, though.

 A Closer Look

However, while they might not be able to understand why this is, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might start to make sense. This is because this may have been a stage of their life when they were often treated as though they were worthless.

So, they might have often been ignored, rejected, put down, abandoned and even physically harmed by one or both of their parents. This would have caused them to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded.
 
A Brutal Time

The attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way wouldn’t have been provided. Most likely, one or both of their parents had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during their formative years and simply couldn’t love them.

Yet, although this was probably the case, as they themselves were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place. It was then not that their parent or parents couldn’t love them; no, it was that they themselves were worthless and unlovable.

The outcome

How they were treated by one or two people who couldn’t see their worth or lovability would then have largely defined how they came to see themselves. To handle what happened, the developmental needs that were not met and the pain this caused them would have ended up being repressed by their brain.

Along with this, they would have lived in the hope that, if they became who their parent or parents wanted and behaved how they wanted, they would be loved. But as futile as this hope was, it would have served as a secondary defence that aided in repression and allowed them to release tension.

A Replay

With this in mind, thanks to how they were treated and the meaning that their underdeveloped brain made, they won’t feel worthy of having a fulfilling life. When an area or a number of areas of their life is going well, it makes sense why they would both consciously and unconsciously undermine it.

Further, unravelling their life and going back to a life of struggle, part of them will live in the hope that this will allow them to earn their parent or parents love. This is because, as this deeper, emotional part of them has no sense of time and is blind, it won’t realise that this stage of their life is over and that it is too late for them to receive what they missed out on.

Moving Forward

For them to change their view of themselves and no longer re-create what it was like for them as a child, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out of external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk