​Early Deprivation: Can Someone Sabotage Their Life If They Associate Suffering With Love?

Right now, someone could be in a relationship that is going well, and many other areas of their life could also be going in the right direction. They may have put in a lot of effort to be able to experience life in this way.

However, after they have been living in this way for a little while, they could start having moments when they feel uncomfortable. If they were to connect with this discomfort, they can find that they feel guilty and anxious.

It’s Irrational

Assuming that this is the case, they can conclude that there is no reason for them to be this way. But if they have worked hard and haven’t harmed anyone to get where they are, for instance, this is to be expected.

If, on the other hand, they hadn’t worked hard and had caused harm, then it would make sense for them to feel this way. After this, they can do their best to ignore how they feel.

Self-Destruction

Then again, they might not take a closer look at what is going on for them. Instead, they can just try to ignore how they feel and embrace the life that they have.

Either way, as the days, weeks and months pass, they could end up doing and saying things that will cause their life to change. As a result, their life can end up going back to how it was before, or close to it.

For Example

What could cause their relationship to come to an end is that they could become emotionally distant and lose interest in seeing their partner as much. Alternatively, they could end up cheating on them or having an affair.

And, as for why their carer would suffer a setback, that’s if it is going well, they could start turning up late or not being as productive as they were before. What can play a part in this is that, due to how they feel, they can struggle to find the energy to function.

The next Stage

After their life has gone back to how it was or close to it, at first, they can feel frustrated and angry. Shortly after this, they can party, if not fully, blame themselves for what happened and end up feeling very low.

What this will show is that they can see that they have played a part in what has happened; whereas, if this weren’t the case, and they purely blamed what happened externally, it would be different. The outcome of this is that they wouldn’t be able to get to the bottom of why their life is this way, and make the necessary changes

A Closer Look

So, after they have come to see that they felt guilty and anxious when their life was going well, they can see that they now feel more settled. They are then not going to be happy with what is going on, but at a deeper level, they feel more at ease.

After becoming aware of these two parts of themselves, they can wonder why they are in conflict. As their life has radically changed, it is clear that what is going on for them at a deeper level has a far greater impact on their life than what is going on for them on a surface level.

What’s going on?

In other words, their conscious mind won’t be in harmony with their unconscious mind. Their conscious mind can then want one thing, and they can use their will to achieve it, but most likely, their unconscious mind will exert its will and undermine what they do achieve.

Now, the reason why they can feel comfortable when their life is not going well, and they are not happy is because of what took place during their early years and the impact it had on them. This may have been a time when their primary caregiver was emotionally unavailable and depressed.

A Barren Time

Along with this, they might have typically only received attention and acceptance when they were not doing well and were unwell. Assuming that this was so, to maintain their connection to their parent, be accepted and seen by them, and receive the emotional crumbs that were on offer, they would have merged with their emotional state and done their best not to allow themselves to feel good, let alone be happy, or to do well.

Feeling good, being happy and doing well would have been seen as something that would cause them to be rejected and abandoned, and to miss out on the love that was available. This is not to say that they consciously chose to behave in this way.

Another Element

A protector part of their psyche, their superego, would have been the part of them that ensured that they stayed in line. Whenever they went against this part of them, they would have felt guilty and anxious, as feeling good, being happy and doing well would have been seen as wrong and as a threat to their survival.

There is also a chance that when they were happy and were doing well, their parent did criticise them and pull away, which would have reinforced their view that suffering and not doing well was the only way for them to be loved and exist. Many years will have passed since that stage of their life, but their system will continue to associate being a good person, being able to survive and being loved with them suffering.

Moving Forward

The truth is that they can be a good person, survive and be loved without suffering. For them to know this at an emotional level, they will have a number of steps to take.

They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk