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Right now, someone could be very close to achieving something that they have been working toward for months or even years. They could be close to attaining a qualification or completing a project.
Now, once they had arrived at this point, they could feel powerful and alive, and then feel relieved and grateful, or vice versa. However, after a while, they might find that they feel uncomfortable. A Strong Need What they might notice after this is that part of them has the need for their life to go back to how it was before. As a result of how they feel, they might end up both unconsciously and consciously doing things that undermine them. For example, they might end up losing motivation to go further, and instead of taking the next step, they end up doing something else or quitting their job. Therefore, instead of moving forward, they will go back to where they were before, or close to it. Other Examples But even if they can’t relate to this, they might see that they have been in relationships that were going well, only for them to do something that caused them to end. So, they might have ended up cheating or having an affair. If so, after this took place, they might have wondered why they behaved in such a destructive manner. Yet, they may have found that after this had happened, they were able to feel more settled. Stepping Back After they have seen how they don’t allow themselves to rise up and have the need to not do well, they can question why they are this way. What might cross their mind is that they just lack ‘self-esteem’. But although they might lack self-esteem, there is a chance that there is far more to it than this. Deep down, they might associate not doing well and suffering with being accepted, connected and surviving. A Strange Scenario After hearing this, they could be confused, but if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, they might gradually understand why they are his way. This may have been a time when they had a mother who was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Moreover, she might have typically been depressed and unable to cope with life. Consequently, they would have missed out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed. The outcome To handle what happened, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to see themselves as worthless and unlovable, and at fault for how their mother was. What is also likely to have had an impact on how they came to see themselves is that their mother might have often spoken about how much she sacrificed for them and even blamed them for how she felt. To be accepted by her, stay connected and not be left, they would have focused on her and done what they could to please her, and, thus, sacrificed themselves. Their Only Option Adapting in this way would have caused them to abandon themselves, but as they were powerless and dependent, it was their only option. The guilt that they experienced, thanks to how they were being treated, would have also been kept under control by them behaving in this way. What would have helped to ensure that they behaved in this way was their inner mother. This internal construct, which would have been part of their superego, would have been an inner version of their mother that developed over time and was there to protect them. Another Part Lastly, they would have lived in the hope that, by sacrificing themselves and suffering, their mother would love them. But as their mother was probably unable to provide them with what they needed and was actually benefitting from being this way, it wouldn’t have mattered what they did. The reason that she was benefitting is that she probably also grew up in a very depriving environment, and came to associate self-sacrifice and suffering with her being accepted, connected and surviving. Yet, as futile as this struggle was, it would have aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. It’s over Many years will have passed since this stage of their life, of course, but due to how they adapted, it will be as though they have to sacrifice themselves and suffer to be loved and survive. For this to gradually change, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence. Awareness If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.
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Oliver JR Cooper http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk
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 Oliver JR CooperAuthor of 29 books, Transformational Writer, Teacher & Consultant. Introductory Consultation
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Disclaimer
That which is contained within these articles is based on my own empirical understanding and is true for me at the time they were written. However, as I continue to grow, what I perceive as the truth will inevitably change and as a result of this - parts of these articles may not reflect my current outlook.
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