Early Deprivation: Can Someone See Themselves As A Source Of Pain If They Experienced Early Deprivation?

When someone is around others, what can be normal is for them to focus on their needs and do what they can to meet them. If so, they will act as though they are needles and are there to serve others.

The outcome of this is that a number of their needs are going to seldom, if ever, be met. Along with this, they can spend a fair amount of time by themselves.

One Area

Thanks to this, they may have been in a number of intimate relationships where they ended up losing themselves. As a result of how focused they were on the other person, their own self would have more or less been put to one side.

Furthermore, in some, if not all, of these relationships, they might have also been verbally and perhaps physically abused. But instead of them ending these relationships before long, they might have tolerated what was going on for quite some time.

The fallout

And, each time that one of these relationships came to an end, they might have been in a very bad way. So, they might have felt overwhelmed and as though they had been abandoned.

They would then have been an adult, but it would have been as if they were a powerless and dependent child. Once they were able to settle down, they might have just gone back to how they were.

Stepping Back        
                               
If they were to think about how they have the tendency to behave around others, they can wonder why they have the inclination to hide themselves. If they were to think about why this is, they may find that they expect to be rejected and abandoned if they express how they feel and their needs.

Along with this, they may see that they don’t believe that they are worthy of having their feelings acknowledged or entitled to having their needs met. Therefore, in order for them to be accepted and not be isolated from others, they will have to abandon themselves.

A Closer Look

If they were to sit with how they feel, they could find that they feel like a burden and as though their mere presence is a problem. Based on this, it is to be expected that they would believe that they need to hide themselves to have other people in their life and not be alone.

After this, they could wonder why they have such a negative view of themselves.  However, as confusing as this will be, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

Back in Time

This may have been a stage of their life when their mother and perhaps their father were emotionally unavailable and out of reach. Additionally, one or both of them might have often been depressed and found it hard to cope with life.

This would have caused them to miss out on the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed. And, as they were egocentric, they would have come to believe that they were worthless and unlovable.

Another Element

When they did express how they felt and their needs, their mother and perhaps father might have typically reacted negatively. They might have often ignored them, criticised them, spoken about how busy they were and how much they had sacrificed to have them.

Therefore, their feelings and needs were not seen as normal; they were seen as a problem, and, as their feelings and needs were a problem, it also meant that they themselves were also a problem. To maintain their connection to them and not be abandoned, they would have lost touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

The outcome

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and outer-directed false self. To help ensure that they focused on, pleased and ignored themselves, their outer parents would have been internalised.

This inner structure, which was part of their superego, would have been there to keep them alive. Ultimately, it would have made sure that they acted like an extension of their parents, and their self didn’t see the light of day.

Not in a good way

The reason that their mother and perhaps father couldn’t provide them with the love that they needed and generally enjoy their presence was probably due to how deprived and wounded they had been during their early years, and the impact this had on them. They were then not in a position to give them what they needed to thrive.

Moving Forward

Taking all this into account, for them to gradually change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience.
This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk