Early Deprivation: Can Someone Spend Their Life Performing If They Had A Narcissistic Parent?

If someone were to step back and reflect on their life, they might see that they are more like an actor than a real human being. The reason for this is that they can typically act as though they are fine and not open up about how they feel.

Along with this, they can see that they have the need to always get everything right and not make any mistakes. They might see that they have been this way for as long as they can remember.

Weighed Down

They might see that, by being this way, it is normal for them to experience a lot of pressure. But, as they will spend most of their life being someone, as opposed to being themselves, this is to be expected.

If, on the other hand, they were able to be themselves, if only with their friends and family, their life would be different. They wouldn’t need to keep just about everything in, and this would allow them to be seen,
​heard, and supported.

Another Part

Additionally, they may find that they try more things and are able to make a lot more progress. This is because they wouldn’t be worried about getting things wrong, and it would be easier for them to reach out for support when they needed it.

After all, they are an interdependent human being, not a god who is able to get everything right and doesn’t need the help of others. In other words, they need others, and this is simply part of the human experience.  

External Feedback

However, although they will be weighed down and won’t feel comfortable being real, a number of the people in their life can see them in a positive light. They might describe them as confident, strong and capable.

Yet there can be at least one person who has the impression that they are putting on an act and are keeping a lot to themselves. Perhaps this person has also been in the same position.

An Exhausting Existence

Now, as they are thinking about why they behave in this way, it can show that they have got to the point where they can no longer handle living like this. But as fed up as they can be, they can still have a strong need to behave in the same way.

If this is the case, it will show that they are experiencing inner conflict. Therefore, as tiring and isolating as it will be for them to be this way, part of them won’t want them to change their behaviour.

What’s going on?

For them to gain a deeper understanding of what is going on, they can imagine that they live a life where they no longer act like they are a superhero and are simply themselves. At first, this can be a time when they will feel relieved and grateful, and feel connected and supported.

Nonetheless, after a little while, they can feel anxious and fearful, with them having the need to go back to how they were before. If they were to stay with their discomfort, they may find that they expect to be criticised, humiliated, rejected and even abandoned.

A Closer Look

Not coming across as superhuman is then going to be seen as something that will stop them from being accepted and will result in them being ostracised. Assuming this is what takes place, they can wonder why this is.

What this may show is that they grew up in an environment where it wasn’t safe for them to be themselves. During this time, their mother or father may have done just about everything that they could to pull them apart and undermine them.

A Brutal Time

Expressing how they felt and certain needs and making mistakes would have increased their chances of being criticised, humiliated, rejected or left. Thus, to try to minimise the harm that they experienced, they would have learned to hide how they feel and certain needs and to do what they could to avoid getting things wrong.

Hiding themselves and being very careful about what they revealed was then a key part of how they handled living in an environment where they didn’t receive the attunement, mirroring, care, affection and support that they needed to grow and develop in the right way. Their embodied, connected, and fully feeling true self would have been covered up by a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling and defensive false self.

The other Side

As to why their mother or father behaved in this way, it is likely that they had also been brought up by a parent who was unfeeling and cruel. They would have been greatly impacted by how they were treated, but for whatever reason, they were unable to become aware of and heal any of their inner wounds.

What this means is that how their parent treated them wasn’t a sign that their feelings and needs were bad, or that they were worthless and unlovable. No, it was due to them having been in a bad way and not being in a position to provide them with the love that they needed and deserved.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for them to gradually let go of their defended false self and to freely express themselves, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs, among other things.

Awareness

If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer. 

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Oliver JR Cooper
http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk