Early Deprivation: Can Someone Stay In An Abusive Relationship If They Had A Gaslighting Parent?

Even though someone is in a relationship that is toxic, it doesn’t mean that they will end it. Instead, they can question if their perception is accurate, whether their feelings reflect reality, and whether they are just making things up.

The reason for this is that the person they are with could invalidate what they say about their behaviour and the relationship as a whole. When this takes place, their partner can make out that what they say is not true, say that they are too emotional, or act like they themselves are the victim.

Confusion

After they have had a conversation like this, they can not only be full of doubt, but also feel bad. It can be as though what their partner says is accurate and they are in the wrong, which can give them the need to please them.

If so, they will put their own reality to one side and be there for someone who is not interested in acknowledging their reality and truly being there for them. Due to how they are behaving, it is not going to be a surprise if they typically feel low and are exhausted.

External Support

If they were to speak to a trusted friend or family member about this, they could receive their validation and support. They might say that they need to end their relationship, as the longer they stay with them, the worse off they will be.

They can also make it clear that they don’t deserve to be treated like they are nothing. After this, they can be grateful for their validation and support, and say that they will end it.

The Next Step

However, if they do tell their partner that they are breaking up with them, or words to that effect, it doesn’t mean that they will. This is because their partner could radically change their behaviour, acting as though they value and love them.

After this, they can, once again, question if how they remember them behaving is accurate and feel guilty for wanting to leave them. If they do respond in this way, or a way that is similar, they can end up staying with them.

Drawing the line

Now, assuming that they do break up with them, perhaps with the help of others, they can wonder why they behaved in this way. During this time, they might also see that this is not the first time that they have been in this position.

So, they might see that most, if not all, of their intimate relationships have been like this. They can struggle to understand why they doubt their own perceptions and allow another person to define what is, or isn’t, real.

Back In Time

Along with this, they can wonder why, when they get close to another person, they tolerate being treated like they are nothing. As confusing as this is, if they were able to go back in time and observe their early years, it might gradually make sense.

During this stage of their life, their mother or father might have also treated them like dirt and often invalidated their perceptions and how they felt. Being put down, humiliated, ignored, rejected, abandoned, and even physically harmed would then have been the norm.

A Common Occurrence

But, when they pointed out what happened and the impact it had on them, this parent might have just ignored what they said, dismissed it, or said that they were making things up. After this, they might have said that they were too sensitive and needed to grow up, for instance.

Over time, this parent would have been internalised. The outcome of this is that they would no longer need their outer parent to invalidate them, as their inner parent would have done this and ensured that they behaved in a certain way.

The Purpose

This inner parent wouldn’t have done this to undermine them; it would have done this to prevent them from being rejected or harmed and to maintain their connection to this parent. At this age, as they were powerless and dependent, what mattered was being accepted and staying connected, not being validated.

Along with this, to help them keep it together and function, their brain would have repressed how they felt and a number of their needs. This would have involved them losing touch with their embodied, connected, fully feeling and inner-directed true self.

Taken To Heart

In its place would have been the creation of a disembodied, disconnected, not fully feeling, and outer-directed false self. And, as they were egocentric, they would have personalised what took place.

It was then not that this parent was a deeply wounded human being who couldn’t love them; no, it was that they were worthless and unlovable, and their needs and feelings were bad. But as helpless and hopeless as they were, they would have lived in the hope that, if they became who they wanted and behaved how they wanted, they would be loved.

Moving Forward

This false hope would have served as a secondary defence, though, as it aided in repression and allowed them to release tension. This stage of their life will now be over, of course, but due to the impact it had on them and the hope that they still have, deep down, of receiving what they missed out on, they will continue to unconsciously recreate parts of it.

Taking all this into account, for them to gradually change their life, they will have a number of steps to take. They will have beliefs to question, pain to face and process, and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things.

This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

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Oliver JR Cooper
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